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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Atlantic City Faces Long Recovery Before It Can Start Destroying Lives Again

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Atlantic City officials warned Friday that it could take weeks or even months for the storm-ravaged gambling hub to fully repair its infrastructure and get back to utterly and completely ruining people’s lives.

“The floodwaters have receded, but the damage to our city is so severe that it will be quite some time before we’re back at full strength and ready to totally demolish the personal lives and finances of thousands of human beings,” said Mayor Lorenzo Langford, who urged cooperation with disaster relief personnel in working to restore the city’s ability to systematically bankrupt people and hurl them into a desperate spiral of misery and debt. “Atlantic City has always been a proud center for turning scores of innocent people into self-destructive alcoholics and gambling addicts, and hopefully, with hard work and targeted federal funding, we can return to doing what we do best.”

“Restoring electricity was a step in the right direction,” Langford added. “That allows casino owners to light up the signs they use to lure people through the doors and steal their money. But unfortunately, we still have quite a way to go before the city is once again a fully operational destroyer of marriages and savings accounts."

City officials confirmed that several roadways leading into the city—which are vital for funneling desperate schmucks from all over the country into Atlantic City so they can squander their retirement funds and children’s college savings plans on the transitory pleasures of legalized gambling—were also hit hard by the storm.

“It’s important to remember that the casinos are just one small part of a much larger life-obliterating network that is now struggling to recover from Sandy’s impact,” Langford said. “We need our casinos to wrench whole families and communities apart via bankruptcy, divorce, and even full-blown mental illnesses, yes, but we also need to make sure our roads, small businesses, and beaches are in top form so we can more easily attract poor, deluded gamblers here and keep them here.”

“Unfortunately, we’re a far cry from any of that, but I’m confident that if we keep our resolve, we’ll make it back,” he added.

At press time, Harrah’s casino was asking for donations in the form of anyone willing to throw it all away in a matter of hours at the establishment’s blackjack tables.

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