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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Atlantic City Faces Long Recovery Before It Can Start Destroying Lives Again

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Atlantic City officials warned Friday that it could take weeks or even months for the storm-ravaged gambling hub to fully repair its infrastructure and get back to utterly and completely ruining people’s lives.

“The floodwaters have receded, but the damage to our city is so severe that it will be quite some time before we’re back at full strength and ready to totally demolish the personal lives and finances of thousands of human beings,” said Mayor Lorenzo Langford, who urged cooperation with disaster relief personnel in working to restore the city’s ability to systematically bankrupt people and hurl them into a desperate spiral of misery and debt. “Atlantic City has always been a proud center for turning scores of innocent people into self-destructive alcoholics and gambling addicts, and hopefully, with hard work and targeted federal funding, we can return to doing what we do best.”

“Restoring electricity was a step in the right direction,” Langford added. “That allows casino owners to light up the signs they use to lure people through the doors and steal their money. But unfortunately, we still have quite a way to go before the city is once again a fully operational destroyer of marriages and savings accounts."

City officials confirmed that several roadways leading into the city—which are vital for funneling desperate schmucks from all over the country into Atlantic City so they can squander their retirement funds and children’s college savings plans on the transitory pleasures of legalized gambling—were also hit hard by the storm.

“It’s important to remember that the casinos are just one small part of a much larger life-obliterating network that is now struggling to recover from Sandy’s impact,” Langford said. “We need our casinos to wrench whole families and communities apart via bankruptcy, divorce, and even full-blown mental illnesses, yes, but we also need to make sure our roads, small businesses, and beaches are in top form so we can more easily attract poor, deluded gamblers here and keep them here.”

“Unfortunately, we’re a far cry from any of that, but I’m confident that if we keep our resolve, we’ll make it back,” he added.

At press time, Harrah’s casino was asking for donations in the form of anyone willing to throw it all away in a matter of hours at the establishment’s blackjack tables.

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