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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend

SIERRA VISTA, AZ—After a week spent searching for the perfect birthday gift for Jed Lowry, her boyfriend of eight months, Susan Novecky realized that she, in fact, despises him. "I tried to find a book he might like, but now that I think about it, the only reading materials I've ever seen in his apartment are old issues of Maxim and Dennis Miller's The Rants," Novecky said. "Then I thought I'd use the gift as an opportunity to fix one of his flaws, but why bother buying cologne for someone who doesn't even own a decent pair of goddamn pants?" When Novecky decided to just call Lowry and ask him what he wanted, Lowry said he needed a new Xbox controller because he spilled beer all over the other one.
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