MIAMI—In their first official meeting Saturday as Democratic running mates, Hillary Clinton reportedly pulled aside her vice presidential pick, Virginia senator Tim Kaine, and quietly assured him that in the event of her death while in office, she would continue serving as commander-in-chief.
SIERRA VISTA, AZ—After a week spent searching for the perfect birthday gift for Jed Lowry, her boyfriend of eight months, Susan Novecky realized that she, in fact, despises him. "I tried to find a book he might like, but now that I think about it, the only reading materials I've ever seen in his apartment are old issues of Maxim and Dennis Miller's The Rants," Novecky said. "Then I thought I'd use the gift as an opportunity to fix one of his flaws, but why bother buying cologne for someone who doesn't even own a decent pair of goddamn pants?" When Novecky decided to just call Lowry and ask him what he wanted, Lowry said he needed a new Xbox controller because he spilled beer all over the other one.