Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 12

Kitchen Staff Warned Not To Make Fun Of Regional Manager

TRAVERSE CITY, MI–Shift manager Dennis Brandt issued a stern warning to his Bennigan's crew Monday not to make fun of visiting regional manager Gary Wallace. "I'm telling you right up front that Gary has a bit of a weight problem," Brandt told the staff. "So if I see anyone giggling or making fun of him in any way whatsoever, there will be consequences. Got it? Because if he catches any of you laughing, it's me he's gonna go after, not you." The staff has previously received stern warnings not to make fun of the woman with the limp who frequently eats there and the man with the scar who delivers the Coke syrup.

Clinton Fumbles With Submarine Controls; 'Everything's In German!' He Shouts

SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH SEA–His hand-picked mob of go-to-hell leathernecks counting on him for their very survival, President Clinton tried frantically Monday to make sense of the German-labeled controls of captured Nazi Kreigsmarine Unterseeboot 639. "I can't make head or tail of this Kraut malarkey!" Clinton told mortally wounded Seaman First Class Bruce Cohen, the plucky kid from Brooklyn who heroically fended off Stuka dive-bombers with the deck gun. "We've got to blow the tanks and dive now! Now! What the hell is 'BALLASZTWASSER'?" It is believed to be the most gripping moment of the Clinton presidency since April 1998, when he told unconscious HHS Secretary Donna Shalala, "You've never given up on anything in your life, you bitch, now fight! Fight!"

Man Carefully Selects T-Shirt For Night Out

WILMINGTON, NC–After nearly half an hour of trying on different T-shirts, Wilmington resident Larry Goltz finally settled on a black Peterbilt Trucks shirt for a night on the town Saturday. "I was going to wear my Blockbuster Video T-shirt, but it's white, and I wanted something a little nicer for a Saturday night. Plus, I wore that one when we went bowling Tuesday," Goltz said. "I was also thinking about my plain red one, but for some reason, I was in the mood to wear something with writing on it. And I like the way the Peterbilt logo on the chest draws attention away from my belly." Goltz said he is "99 percent sure" he made the right choice.

Last Month Apparently Women's History Month

ATLANTA–According to an ad in a March issue of Bon Appetit magazine lying around dermatologist Dr. Ira Haas' waiting room, March was, apparently, Women's History Month. "I had no idea," said Gail Travis, who happened to come across the ad, which read, "Join Almay In Celebrating Women's History Month," while waiting to see Haas. "That's the first I'd heard of it. Oh, well, guess I missed it." People across the nation are equally surprised. "Are you sure? I thought it was Black History Month," said Timothy Durkee of Wayzata, MN. "Or maybe that was February." Liz Unger, CEO of Almay Cosmetics and co-chair of the Women's History Month Project, described the month-long celebration of "women's remarkable contributions through the ages" as an "unqualified success."

Bereaved

I hope you are all sitting down, because I have some-thing terrible to impart. No, the President was not assassinated. If only that were the case! The news is far, far sadder. But first, I will string you along with some largely unnecessary details presented in a rambling, discursive manner, so as to build suspense and fulfill my word quota.

I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

What sort of entertainment journalist am I? I was all psyched for the Oscars this year, as I am every year. Would Gwenth Paltrow look slim? Would Tom Hanks be sporting his madman beard? Who would take away the Best Adapted Screenplay award? I couldn't wait to find out!

U.S. Population At 13,462

WASHINGTON, DC–With the April 1 deadline for returning Census 2000 forms finally passed, the Bureau of the Census announced Monday that the U.S. population stands at 13,462.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper

HAMPTON, VA–An attempt by Brian Shuman, 12, to impress fellow seventh-grader Becky Lundegaard, 13, met with spectacular failure Monday, when his school supplies and shoulder bag were forcibly seized, his sweater vest yanked over his head, and his face pressed into a row of lockers, witnesses reported.

Brian Shuman, the foiled would-be suitor of Becky Lundegaard (inset).

According to the unpopular Shuman, known primarily among classmates at Hampton Middle School for his scholastic achievements and awkward social manner, he was "deliberately undermined by the uncalled-for actions of an interloping usurper intent on humiliating me in a derogatory manner in front of Miss Lundegaard, thus ruining my chances with her in the foreseeable future."

Shuman, who has long considered the elusive Lundegaard "really pretty," has admired her from a distance since the fifth grade, but never spoke to her for more than a few minutes until three weeks ago, when he was randomly assigned to be her lab partner in fifth-period Earth Science.

Sources close to the straight-A student said the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to talk to Lundegaard in class laid the groundwork for Monday's impression attempt, which was made shortly before lunch hour at a location near Lundegaard's locker. Shuman approached and was about to strike up a conversation when the interloper, varsity wrestling champion Lance Pulaski, 13, arrived on the scene.

Pulaski lifted the comparatively slight Shuman off the floor by the back of his shirt before hurling the hapless would-be suitor against a nearby wall. The popular student-athlete offered no comment at the time of the incident other than laughter and a terse, mumbled issuance of the term "dorkass," presumably aimed at Shuman. Pulaski then began an extended and reportedly friendly conversation with Lundegaard that lasted, according to hall monitor Gregg Nussbaum, "right up to the second five-minute bell before the start of fourth-period gym."

According to an anonymous source who overheard Lundegaard talking about the incident by the bike racks later that day, Lundegaard described Pulaski as "cute," though that report remains unconfirmed by either Lundegaard or those within her immediate circle of associates, including Jessica, Brianna, Ashley, Stephanie, Lisa, Jennifer, Sarah H., Sarah W., Tami, Michelle, Nicole, and Christina.

When asked for comment on Shuman's failed attempt, Lundegaard said, "Who? Look, I've got Michelle on the other line, and she's going to tell me what Brittany Ryback said about Stacey Schwaba, so can this wait?"

Observers throughout the Hampton Middle School student body remain baffled as to what motivated Shuman to think he was in a position to approach Lundegaard in a social context in the first place.

"Becky Lundegaard is so out of Brian's league," said student-council treasurer Iris Paulson. "How he could be smart enough to win the district Academic Decathlon but still not be able to figure that out is beyond me."

The general consensus among students is that Shuman's attempted overture was ill-advised from the start. Spelling-club insiders, however, said Shuman continues to insist that the failure was entirely the result of Pulaski's intrusion and in no way due to any shortcoming on his part.

"Brian was going on and on about how last Friday, Becky was smiling at him when he explained how to measure a solvent's concentration in a solution, and I was like, 'Duh, Brian, that's because she knew she'd get an easy A in the class if you did all the work for her," said Shuman's friend and debate-team partner Bobby Gannett. "I mean, no doy. I put forth the proposition that he is suffering from a delusion of epic proportions."

Gannett then began laughing in a snorting, wheezing manner before being silenced by a hail of spitwads.

"Despite the contrarian position taken by certain people I shall not name," said Shuman, pausing to glare at Gannett from across the library, "I am more than convinced that Becky would've been delighted and charmed by the pyrex graduated cylinder I planned to show her that fateful day in the hall. I ordered it special online, and it is far more heat-resistant than the substandard plastic beakers we are issued in class. Who wouldn't be impressed by such an item?"

"Unfortunately," Shuman continued, "Mr. Stupid Muscle-Face Wrestle-Head Lance Pul-asshole-ski sent the item in question flying when he pounded me into submission. Whereupon it shattered after landing a distance of at least 10 meters away. How am I supposed to impress her now?"

The incident is considered the worst failure to impress a Lundegaard at Hampton Middle School since 1988, when eighth-grader Rodney Siefert purchased a pair of boat shoes in an attempt to impress Jennifer Lundegaard, then 14, Becky's older cousin. The attempt turned tragic when Siefert made the sartorial blunder of wearing the boat shoes with socks, incurring the derision and scorn of his more fashion-forward peers.

Though not confirmed as of press time, reports indicate that Pulaski may have gotten to first base, and possibly even second, with Lundegaard after last Friday's spring dance.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More