Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper

Top Headlines

Local

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper

HAMPTON, VA–An attempt by Brian Shuman, 12, to impress fellow seventh-grader Becky Lundegaard, 13, met with spectacular failure Monday, when his school supplies and shoulder bag were forcibly seized, his sweater vest yanked over his head, and his face pressed into a row of lockers, witnesses reported.

Brian Shuman, the foiled would-be suitor of Becky Lundegaard (inset).

According to the unpopular Shuman, known primarily among classmates at Hampton Middle School for his scholastic achievements and awkward social manner, he was "deliberately undermined by the uncalled-for actions of an interloping usurper intent on humiliating me in a derogatory manner in front of Miss Lundegaard, thus ruining my chances with her in the foreseeable future."

Shuman, who has long considered the elusive Lundegaard "really pretty," has admired her from a distance since the fifth grade, but never spoke to her for more than a few minutes until three weeks ago, when he was randomly assigned to be her lab partner in fifth-period Earth Science.

Sources close to the straight-A student said the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to talk to Lundegaard in class laid the groundwork for Monday's impression attempt, which was made shortly before lunch hour at a location near Lundegaard's locker. Shuman approached and was about to strike up a conversation when the interloper, varsity wrestling champion Lance Pulaski, 13, arrived on the scene.

Pulaski lifted the comparatively slight Shuman off the floor by the back of his shirt before hurling the hapless would-be suitor against a nearby wall. The popular student-athlete offered no comment at the time of the incident other than laughter and a terse, mumbled issuance of the term "dorkass," presumably aimed at Shuman. Pulaski then began an extended and reportedly friendly conversation with Lundegaard that lasted, according to hall monitor Gregg Nussbaum, "right up to the second five-minute bell before the start of fourth-period gym."

According to an anonymous source who overheard Lundegaard talking about the incident by the bike racks later that day, Lundegaard described Pulaski as "cute," though that report remains unconfirmed by either Lundegaard or those within her immediate circle of associates, including Jessica, Brianna, Ashley, Stephanie, Lisa, Jennifer, Sarah H., Sarah W., Tami, Michelle, Nicole, and Christina.

When asked for comment on Shuman's failed attempt, Lundegaard said, "Who? Look, I've got Michelle on the other line, and she's going to tell me what Brittany Ryback said about Stacey Schwaba, so can this wait?"

Observers throughout the Hampton Middle School student body remain baffled as to what motivated Shuman to think he was in a position to approach Lundegaard in a social context in the first place.

"Becky Lundegaard is so out of Brian's league," said student-council treasurer Iris Paulson. "How he could be smart enough to win the district Academic Decathlon but still not be able to figure that out is beyond me."

The general consensus among students is that Shuman's attempted overture was ill-advised from the start. Spelling-club insiders, however, said Shuman continues to insist that the failure was entirely the result of Pulaski's intrusion and in no way due to any shortcoming on his part.

"Brian was going on and on about how last Friday, Becky was smiling at him when he explained how to measure a solvent's concentration in a solution, and I was like, 'Duh, Brian, that's because she knew she'd get an easy A in the class if you did all the work for her," said Shuman's friend and debate-team partner Bobby Gannett. "I mean, no doy. I put forth the proposition that he is suffering from a delusion of epic proportions."

Gannett then began laughing in a snorting, wheezing manner before being silenced by a hail of spitwads.

"Despite the contrarian position taken by certain people I shall not name," said Shuman, pausing to glare at Gannett from across the library, "I am more than convinced that Becky would've been delighted and charmed by the pyrex graduated cylinder I planned to show her that fateful day in the hall. I ordered it special online, and it is far more heat-resistant than the substandard plastic beakers we are issued in class. Who wouldn't be impressed by such an item?"

"Unfortunately," Shuman continued, "Mr. Stupid Muscle-Face Wrestle-Head Lance Pul-asshole-ski sent the item in question flying when he pounded me into submission. Whereupon it shattered after landing a distance of at least 10 meters away. How am I supposed to impress her now?"

The incident is considered the worst failure to impress a Lundegaard at Hampton Middle School since 1988, when eighth-grader Rodney Siefert purchased a pair of boat shoes in an attempt to impress Jennifer Lundegaard, then 14, Becky's older cousin. The attempt turned tragic when Siefert made the sartorial blunder of wearing the boat shoes with socks, incurring the derision and scorn of his more fashion-forward peers.

Though not confirmed as of press time, reports indicate that Pulaski may have gotten to first base, and possibly even second, with Lundegaard after last Friday's spring dance.