Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper

HAMPTON, VA–An attempt by Brian Shuman, 12, to impress fellow seventh-grader Becky Lundegaard, 13, met with spectacular failure Monday, when his school supplies and shoulder bag were forcibly seized, his sweater vest yanked over his head, and his face pressed into a row of lockers, witnesses reported.

Brian Shuman, the foiled would-be suitor of Becky Lundegaard (inset).

According to the unpopular Shuman, known primarily among classmates at Hampton Middle School for his scholastic achievements and awkward social manner, he was "deliberately undermined by the uncalled-for actions of an interloping usurper intent on humiliating me in a derogatory manner in front of Miss Lundegaard, thus ruining my chances with her in the foreseeable future."

Shuman, who has long considered the elusive Lundegaard "really pretty," has admired her from a distance since the fifth grade, but never spoke to her for more than a few minutes until three weeks ago, when he was randomly assigned to be her lab partner in fifth-period Earth Science.

Sources close to the straight-A student said the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to talk to Lundegaard in class laid the groundwork for Monday's impression attempt, which was made shortly before lunch hour at a location near Lundegaard's locker. Shuman approached and was about to strike up a conversation when the interloper, varsity wrestling champion Lance Pulaski, 13, arrived on the scene.

Pulaski lifted the comparatively slight Shuman off the floor by the back of his shirt before hurling the hapless would-be suitor against a nearby wall. The popular student-athlete offered no comment at the time of the incident other than laughter and a terse, mumbled issuance of the term "dorkass," presumably aimed at Shuman. Pulaski then began an extended and reportedly friendly conversation with Lundegaard that lasted, according to hall monitor Gregg Nussbaum, "right up to the second five-minute bell before the start of fourth-period gym."

According to an anonymous source who overheard Lundegaard talking about the incident by the bike racks later that day, Lundegaard described Pulaski as "cute," though that report remains unconfirmed by either Lundegaard or those within her immediate circle of associates, including Jessica, Brianna, Ashley, Stephanie, Lisa, Jennifer, Sarah H., Sarah W., Tami, Michelle, Nicole, and Christina.

When asked for comment on Shuman's failed attempt, Lundegaard said, "Who? Look, I've got Michelle on the other line, and she's going to tell me what Brittany Ryback said about Stacey Schwaba, so can this wait?"

Observers throughout the Hampton Middle School student body remain baffled as to what motivated Shuman to think he was in a position to approach Lundegaard in a social context in the first place.

"Becky Lundegaard is so out of Brian's league," said student-council treasurer Iris Paulson. "How he could be smart enough to win the district Academic Decathlon but still not be able to figure that out is beyond me."

The general consensus among students is that Shuman's attempted overture was ill-advised from the start. Spelling-club insiders, however, said Shuman continues to insist that the failure was entirely the result of Pulaski's intrusion and in no way due to any shortcoming on his part.

"Brian was going on and on about how last Friday, Becky was smiling at him when he explained how to measure a solvent's concentration in a solution, and I was like, 'Duh, Brian, that's because she knew she'd get an easy A in the class if you did all the work for her," said Shuman's friend and debate-team partner Bobby Gannett. "I mean, no doy. I put forth the proposition that he is suffering from a delusion of epic proportions."

Gannett then began laughing in a snorting, wheezing manner before being silenced by a hail of spitwads.

"Despite the contrarian position taken by certain people I shall not name," said Shuman, pausing to glare at Gannett from across the library, "I am more than convinced that Becky would've been delighted and charmed by the pyrex graduated cylinder I planned to show her that fateful day in the hall. I ordered it special online, and it is far more heat-resistant than the substandard plastic beakers we are issued in class. Who wouldn't be impressed by such an item?"

"Unfortunately," Shuman continued, "Mr. Stupid Muscle-Face Wrestle-Head Lance Pul-asshole-ski sent the item in question flying when he pounded me into submission. Whereupon it shattered after landing a distance of at least 10 meters away. How am I supposed to impress her now?"

The incident is considered the worst failure to impress a Lundegaard at Hampton Middle School since 1988, when eighth-grader Rodney Siefert purchased a pair of boat shoes in an attempt to impress Jennifer Lundegaard, then 14, Becky's older cousin. The attempt turned tragic when Siefert made the sartorial blunder of wearing the boat shoes with socks, incurring the derision and scorn of his more fashion-forward peers.

Though not confirmed as of press time, reports indicate that Pulaski may have gotten to first base, and possibly even second, with Lundegaard after last Friday's spring dance.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close