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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Attempt To Meet Different Types Of People Thwarted By Partygoer Who Also Watches 'Friday Night Lights'

PORTLAND, ME—Party attendee Richard Silvan's plan to branch out and meet people who would perhaps introduce him to a new hobby or cultural interest was derailed Saturday when the first person he spoke to happened to also be an avid viewer of the NBC football drama Friday Night Lights. "We probably spent about three hours in the kitchen discussing how they resolved things with Matt and Julie and how the show's final season really did a god job of testing the Taylors' marriage," said the 28-year-old paralegal, who, because he was in deep conversation about how he wished Smash Williams would have been brought back for at least one scene in the series finale, failed to meet a humanitarian aid worker who just returned from Africa and a documentary filmmaker. "The guy I was speaking to even looked a little bit like me. It's too bad I never caught his name." Witnesses reported that at one point Silvan briefly interrupted his conversation about how Tim Riggins might be one of the most tragic characters in television history when he mistakenly thought he overheard an attractive woman mention Battlestar Galactica.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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