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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Attempt To Meet Different Types Of People Thwarted By Partygoer Who Also Watches 'Friday Night Lights'

PORTLAND, ME—Party attendee Richard Silvan's plan to branch out and meet people who would perhaps introduce him to a new hobby or cultural interest was derailed Saturday when the first person he spoke to happened to also be an avid viewer of the NBC football drama Friday Night Lights. "We probably spent about three hours in the kitchen discussing how they resolved things with Matt and Julie and how the show's final season really did a god job of testing the Taylors' marriage," said the 28-year-old paralegal, who, because he was in deep conversation about how he wished Smash Williams would have been brought back for at least one scene in the series finale, failed to meet a humanitarian aid worker who just returned from Africa and a documentary filmmaker. "The guy I was speaking to even looked a little bit like me. It's too bad I never caught his name." Witnesses reported that at one point Silvan briefly interrupted his conversation about how Tim Riggins might be one of the most tragic characters in television history when he mistakenly thought he overheard an attractive woman mention Battlestar Galactica.

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