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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Attempt To Meet Different Types Of People Thwarted By Partygoer Who Also Watches 'Friday Night Lights'

PORTLAND, ME—Party attendee Richard Silvan's plan to branch out and meet people who would perhaps introduce him to a new hobby or cultural interest was derailed Saturday when the first person he spoke to happened to also be an avid viewer of the NBC football drama Friday Night Lights. "We probably spent about three hours in the kitchen discussing how they resolved things with Matt and Julie and how the show's final season really did a god job of testing the Taylors' marriage," said the 28-year-old paralegal, who, because he was in deep conversation about how he wished Smash Williams would have been brought back for at least one scene in the series finale, failed to meet a humanitarian aid worker who just returned from Africa and a documentary filmmaker. "The guy I was speaking to even looked a little bit like me. It's too bad I never caught his name." Witnesses reported that at one point Silvan briefly interrupted his conversation about how Tim Riggins might be one of the most tragic characters in television history when he mistakenly thought he overheard an attractive woman mention Battlestar Galactica.

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