Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly

Top Headlines


Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly

The old friends, enjoying a moment that in no way felt like a sad and futile attempt to recapture the past.
The old friends, enjoying a moment that in no way felt like a sad and futile attempt to recapture the past.

MADISON, WI—An attempt by old college friends to relive a fun night out from more than 20 years ago went perfectly Friday, with no one involved experiencing the innate futility of trying to recapture the glory days of their youth, sources later confirmed.

The group of former best friends—who met outside their old sophomore dorm, went to the Plaza Tavern, drank $2 pitchers of beer, and sang along to the 1990 Jane's Addiction song "Been Caught Stealing"—said they felt as hopeful and invincible as they did two decades earlier, and that at no point did any one of them stop to think that what they were doing was absolutely pathetic.

"At first I wondered if an attempt to reclaim our former glory would force us to come to grips with the inevitable passage of time and the sad weight the intervening years has placed on each of us," said 42-year-old John Colvin, adding that the former classmates hardly talk anymore and lead completely different lives now. "But no, it was perfect. There were no long, uncomfortable silences or melancholy realizations that we can no longer relate to one another. And at no point did anyone go to the bathroom, look at himself in the mirror, and finally accept that things just hadn't turned out the way he'd hoped."

"We hit the late-night burrito place, flirted with college girls, and weren't humiliated by any of that," he added. "It was fun."

According to Colvin, the group began planning the night on Facebook, an act that didn't make them feel desperate or pathetic in any way. In addition, three of the friends said that having to drive 90 minutes to recreate one night from their 20s was "awesome" and "great" and in no way demoralizing.

Walking through the quad to Ian's Pizza along the exact same route they took in 1991, the men passed their old haunts and remarked on how they once again felt as if their entire lives were ahead of them—free of painful divorces, unrewarding jobs, and the sleep-apnea breathing masks two of the five now wear because of their obesity.

The young college students surrounding them, they said, did not give them the urge to immediately turn around and go home out of overwhelming embarrassment.

"The best part is that we never came off like creepy old men, and we never felt as if the potential we once had to do great things was now lost to the cruelty of time," real estate salesman Tom Hammond told reporters, adding that Friday night would always be remembered fondly and never regretted as a bad idea. "It's really reassuring to be able to recreate one's younger days so effectively and accurately. I didn't cry or become overwhelmed with shame or anything."

"When we finally made it to the Tavern and started dancing, I didn't feel anything like a sad and empty shell of my former self" Mark Snyder, 42, said. "Nope. I was 21-year-old Mark again. And smiling whimsically when I hear the words '21-year-old Mark' doesn't suddenly make me grimly aware of my own mortality in any way, either."

Witnesses told reporters that the middle-aged men did not seem out of place or awkward, and said they never once questioned if maybe the grown adults should be at home with their families. Onlookers noted that it was hilarious, and not at all depressing, when the 40-year-olds began shouting the same college cheers they yelled in the early 1990s.

"They were awesome," said waitress Samantha Jefferies, adding that she was flattered when the group inquired about her major and whether or not she had a boyfriend. "And when they asked me to take a picture of them posing in the same exact way they did for a photograph back in 1991, they certainly didn't come off as trapped in a very sad self-delusion."

The assembled group of balding, paunchy men reportedly ended the evening in the same spot they did years earlier and exchanged similar high fives.

According to sources, the men looked very cool doing so.