adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Attention-Seeking Willis McGahee Almost Ruins Steelers' Good Time

PITTSBURGH, PA—The Pittsburgh Steelers' AFC Championship celebration was nearly ruined Sunday when Baltimore Ravens running back and attention hog Willis McGahee refused to move his extremities following a fourth quarter tackle by safety Ryan Clark, making himself appear to be paralyzed or even dead. "Man, Willis was fine. Turns out he wasn't really hurt that entire time he was laid out on the ground," Pittsburgh's Troy Polamalu said in a postgame press conference in which he vowed never to forgive McGahee for dampening the Steelers' victory. "And oh, yeah, that stretcher was a nice touch. It's like he planned how he could make himself the center of attention." Pittsburgh emergency-room doctors told reporters that they also believed McGahee was faking his severe neck pain and had given him aspirin instead of prescribing any major painkillers.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close