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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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Attention-Seeking Willis McGahee Almost Ruins Steelers' Good Time

PITTSBURGH, PA—The Pittsburgh Steelers' AFC Championship celebration was nearly ruined Sunday when Baltimore Ravens running back and attention hog Willis McGahee refused to move his extremities following a fourth quarter tackle by safety Ryan Clark, making himself appear to be paralyzed or even dead. "Man, Willis was fine. Turns out he wasn't really hurt that entire time he was laid out on the ground," Pittsburgh's Troy Polamalu said in a postgame press conference in which he vowed never to forgive McGahee for dampening the Steelers' victory. "And oh, yeah, that stretcher was a nice touch. It's like he planned how he could make himself the center of attention." Pittsburgh emergency-room doctors told reporters that they also believed McGahee was faking his severe neck pain and had given him aspirin instead of prescribing any major painkillers.

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