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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Attractive Woman Surprised To Learn Coworker A Dick

LAWRENCEVILLE, PA—Noting with some degree of confusion that “he’s always really sweet to [her],” attractive Kolfax Group sales associate Leslie Shiller admitted Thursday she was surprised to learn account manager Eric Cryan is widely considered to be a total fucking prick. “Wow, that’s so weird—Eric’s so nice and friendly,” the beautiful 27-year-old said of Cryan, who according to coworkers is routinely short with the company’s receptionists, micromanages all his employees, and generally makes the office an unpleasant place to work. “We’re really talking about Eric here? He seems like such a sweetheart. Anytime I need something, he’s happy to stop whatever he’s doing and help. He even pops by sometimes just to chat and ask how things are going with me. Huh.” The slim, well-toned Shiller was also reportedly surprised to learn that several of her female coworkers think she’s “a stuck-up bitch.”

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