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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Attractive Woman, Wealthy Man Somehow Making It Work

GREENWICH, CT—Despite their disparate backgrounds, lack of mutual interests, and seemingly insurmountable gap in age, former Miss Kentucky finalist Amber Williams, 26, and multimillionaire real estate mogul Chester R. Williams II, 61, told reporters Monday that they somehow continue to make their marriage work. "The moment I saw her, I knew I wanted to marry her," said Chester Williams, adding that the couple's relationship has inexplicably persevered despite the fact that they usually only see each other one or two nights a week. "Amber said she had always been waiting for somebody like me to come along and sweep her off her feet. I suppose she was exactly what I was looking for, too." Sources close to the pair confirmed that it is almost as if the two were "made for each other."

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