Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

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Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken

WASHINGTON—Calling a press conference Wednesday to address a matter of grave seriousness, a major public organization reportedly reassured those in attendance that steps will be taken and that every effort will be made to rectify the problem if one is found to exist. “It’s a relief to know they’re not taking the situation lightly and remain committed to looking into the matter at every level,” said press conference attendee Madeleine O’Hara, who admitted her confidence had been shaken when news of the potentially devastating allegations first broke. “They also said continuing efforts were in place to hold accountable any responsible parties, so obviously that’s great to hear, as is their promise to leave no stone unturned. I’m just happy all proper measures are being implemented, you know?” Several members of the press nodded in agreement, saying the only thing left to do now is tell the American people the good news.

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