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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken

WASHINGTON—Calling a press conference Wednesday to address a matter of grave seriousness, a major public organization reportedly reassured those in attendance that steps will be taken and that every effort will be made to rectify the problem if one is found to exist. “It’s a relief to know they’re not taking the situation lightly and remain committed to looking into the matter at every level,” said press conference attendee Madeleine O’Hara, who admitted her confidence had been shaken when news of the potentially devastating allegations first broke. “They also said continuing efforts were in place to hold accountable any responsible parties, so obviously that’s great to hear, as is their promise to leave no stone unturned. I’m just happy all proper measures are being implemented, you know?” Several members of the press nodded in agreement, saying the only thing left to do now is tell the American people the good news.

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