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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Audience Calls Candidates Back On Stage For Debate Encore

MANCHESTER, NH—A sold-out crowd at St. Anselm College refused to leave after the Republican presidential debate came to a close Tuesday, loudly clamoring for the 10 candidates to return for an encore.

"I wanted to hear Ron Paul's position on immigration so bad—hell, that's why I came all the way from North Conway," said 37-year-old father of three Greg Schaefer, echoing the sentiments of many hardcore "debateheads" in the crowd who have followed the prospective nominees since their first debate at the Reagan Library in May. "Ron's stance on the issue was a definite showstopper. Probably the best 45 seconds of my life."

Though many were pleasantly surprised by the encore—the first of the campaign season—political junkie Leonard Buck, 38, said he "totally saw it coming as soon as the stagehand came out and replaced the mic on John McCain's podium."

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