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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Audience Calls Candidates Back On Stage For Debate Encore

MANCHESTER, NH—A sold-out crowd at St. Anselm College refused to leave after the Republican presidential debate came to a close Tuesday, loudly clamoring for the 10 candidates to return for an encore.

"I wanted to hear Ron Paul's position on immigration so bad—hell, that's why I came all the way from North Conway," said 37-year-old father of three Greg Schaefer, echoing the sentiments of many hardcore "debateheads" in the crowd who have followed the prospective nominees since their first debate at the Reagan Library in May. "Ron's stance on the issue was a definite showstopper. Probably the best 45 seconds of my life."

Though many were pleasantly surprised by the encore—the first of the campaign season—political junkie Leonard Buck, 38, said he "totally saw it coming as soon as the stagehand came out and replaced the mic on John McCain's podium."

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