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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Audience Calls Candidates Back On Stage For Debate Encore

MANCHESTER, NH—A sold-out crowd at St. Anselm College refused to leave after the Republican presidential debate came to a close Tuesday, loudly clamoring for the 10 candidates to return for an encore.

"I wanted to hear Ron Paul's position on immigration so bad—hell, that's why I came all the way from North Conway," said 37-year-old father of three Greg Schaefer, echoing the sentiments of many hardcore "debateheads" in the crowd who have followed the prospective nominees since their first debate at the Reagan Library in May. "Ron's stance on the issue was a definite showstopper. Probably the best 45 seconds of my life."

Though many were pleasantly surprised by the encore—the first of the campaign season—political junkie Leonard Buck, 38, said he "totally saw it coming as soon as the stagehand came out and replaced the mic on John McCain's podium."

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