adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Audubon Society Reveal They’ve Only Seen, Like, 3 Birds

NEW YORK—During a press conference Wednesday announcing a series of new fundraising initiatives, officials at the National Audubon Society admitted they’ve only seen, like, three birds during the organization’s 111-year history. “We’ve seen quite a few pictures of birds, but almost never the real thing,” said CEO and president David Yarnold, who later revealed that naturalist John James Audubon himself never saw a bird during his lifetime and based his sketches on secondhand accounts from others. “I think someone here saw a couple of those little brown ones a few years ago, and my assistant maybe saw a pigeon one time—am I pronouncing that right? ‘Pigeon’? Anyway, we’ve seen a number of butterflies, and I looked at a parakeet in a store once, but we don’t count that one.” Yarnold concluded the press conference by asking anyone with any information regarding birds to please call the Audubon Society, particularly if they can confirm whether ostriches are real.

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close