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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Audubon Society Reveal They’ve Only Seen, Like, 3 Birds

NEW YORK—During a press conference Wednesday announcing a series of new fundraising initiatives, officials at the National Audubon Society admitted they’ve only seen, like, three birds during the organization’s 111-year history. “We’ve seen quite a few pictures of birds, but almost never the real thing,” said CEO and president David Yarnold, who later revealed that naturalist John James Audubon himself never saw a bird during his lifetime and based his sketches on secondhand accounts from others. “I think someone here saw a couple of those little brown ones a few years ago, and my assistant maybe saw a pigeon one time—am I pronouncing that right? ‘Pigeon’? Anyway, we’ve seen a number of butterflies, and I looked at a parakeet in a store once, but we don’t count that one.” Yarnold concluded the press conference by asking anyone with any information regarding birds to please call the Audubon Society, particularly if they can confirm whether ostriches are real.

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