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Augusta National Admits First 'Woman'

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Augusta National Admits First 'Woman'

AUGUSTA, GA—In a historic move that may help eliminate gender barriers for "women" everywhere, Augusta National Golf Club announced Monday that former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice would become the first "female" member in the club’s 80-year history. "I couldn't be more excited to see 'her' become the first 'woman' to wear the green jacket," Augusta chairman Billy Payne said at a press conference, turning to stare directly at Rice and making air quotes with his hands every time he used a female-gender-specific pronoun. "'She' shares the same passion for the game as everyone at this great club, and we all look forward to having 'her' here in the future. So from all of us here at Augusta, welcome aboard, 'Ms.' Rice." Payne confirmed plans to offer membership to other "women" in the future, such as German chancellor Angela Merkel, Italian fashion designer Donatella Versace, and former WWE wrestler Chyna.

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