adBlockCheck

Augusta National Admits First 'Woman'

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Augusta National Admits First 'Woman'

AUGUSTA, GA—In a historic move that may help eliminate gender barriers for "women" everywhere, Augusta National Golf Club announced Monday that former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice would become the first "female" member in the club’s 80-year history. "I couldn't be more excited to see 'her' become the first 'woman' to wear the green jacket," Augusta chairman Billy Payne said at a press conference, turning to stare directly at Rice and making air quotes with his hands every time he used a female-gender-specific pronoun. "'She' shares the same passion for the game as everyone at this great club, and we all look forward to having 'her' here in the future. So from all of us here at Augusta, welcome aboard, 'Ms.' Rice." Payne confirmed plans to offer membership to other "women" in the future, such as German chancellor Angela Merkel, Italian fashion designer Donatella Versace, and former WWE wrestler Chyna.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close