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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Augusta National Admits First 'Woman'

AUGUSTA, GA—In a historic move that may help eliminate gender barriers for "women" everywhere, Augusta National Golf Club announced Monday that former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice would become the first "female" member in the club’s 80-year history. "I couldn't be more excited to see 'her' become the first 'woman' to wear the green jacket," Augusta chairman Billy Payne said at a press conference, turning to stare directly at Rice and making air quotes with his hands every time he used a female-gender-specific pronoun. "'She' shares the same passion for the game as everyone at this great club, and we all look forward to having 'her' here in the future. So from all of us here at Augusta, welcome aboard, 'Ms.' Rice." Payne confirmed plans to offer membership to other "women" in the future, such as German chancellor Angela Merkel, Italian fashion designer Donatella Versace, and former WWE wrestler Chyna.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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