adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Augusta National Admits First 'Woman'

AUGUSTA, GA—In a historic move that may help eliminate gender barriers for "women" everywhere, Augusta National Golf Club announced Monday that former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice would become the first "female" member in the club’s 80-year history. "I couldn't be more excited to see 'her' become the first 'woman' to wear the green jacket," Augusta chairman Billy Payne said at a press conference, turning to stare directly at Rice and making air quotes with his hands every time he used a female-gender-specific pronoun. "'She' shares the same passion for the game as everyone at this great club, and we all look forward to having 'her' here in the future. So from all of us here at Augusta, welcome aboard, 'Ms.' Rice." Payne confirmed plans to offer membership to other "women" in the future, such as German chancellor Angela Merkel, Italian fashion designer Donatella Versace, and former WWE wrestler Chyna.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close