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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Augusta National Honors Tiger Woods With Own Drinking Fountain

AUGUSTA, GA—Augusta National, home of the Masters Tournament, honored 1997 Masters champion Tiger Woods Monday, giving him his own drinking fountain at the prestigious country club.

Tiger Woods, 1997 Masters champion, was honored by Augusta National officials with his own separate, clearly labeled fountain.

"Tiger, for your historic achievement, setting an all-time Masters Tournament record, we present you with this beautiful, specially designated drinking fountain," said Augusta National president Gary Brewer. "All other golfers will drink from a different fountain, which you, as an honored champion, will have no need to use."

The new fountain, clearly labeled "Tiger Woods," will be located behind the outhouse between the 16th and 17th holes, far away from the distractions of other golfers.

"With your win, you join an elite group of Masters champions, including Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus," Brewer said. "We are confident that, as golf's next great and someone we will likely be seeing a lot more of in the future, you will honor and obey their legacies. We have no doubt that, as they did before you, you will remain well-behaved and respectful of Augusta's traditions."

Woods' fellow golfers are equally impressed with the 21-year-old sensation. "Rarely does a new golfer come along who is so different from the rest," said 1992 Masters winner Fred Couples. "He is not at all like us."

Augusta officials stressed that Woods is a valuable addition to the prestigious course's lofty ranks and has never, to the best of their knowledge, been convicted of a felony.

Additional honors were bestowed upon the Masters champion when Augusta announced a special new security squad, which will monitor Woods at all times during his visits to the club. "It is important to us that Augusta members feel secure in the knowledge that Tiger Woods is fully protected and supervised while golfing here," Brewer said.

With his Masters win, Woods will also enjoy unlimited, lifetime use of the Augusta National course. "Tiger is welcome to enjoy his championship privileges here at Augusta any time he wants," Brewer said, "provided we are given enough advance notice to alert and reschedule other golfers in order to best accommodate him."

Brewer added that there are many less-exclusive public courses near Augusta that offer excellent golfing, and encouraged Woods to patronize these as well, in order to maximize his golfing variety and enjoyment.

In addition to the fountain, Woods will receive his own dining area, locker room and personal entrance at the rear of the Augusta clubhouse.

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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