adBlockCheck

Local

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground. That will send a message that they can’t hide from us anywhere,” wrote Massey, who, in a paragraph-long comment below a news article about the crisis in Syria that her niece had shared, offhandedly proposed several ideas that stood in stark violation of the Geneva Conventions and international law, including imprisoning all Middle Eastern refugees indefinitely until they could prove they weren’t terrorists. “If Obama would go back to waterboarding the ones we capture, we could stop attacks from happening. We have to protect ourselves.” Massey is said to have immediately followed up her call for breaching globally agreed-upon humanitarian principles by sharing a recipe for frosted lemon bars and liking all eight of her niece’s newly posted photos of her cairn terrier.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close