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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Aunt Threatens To Devour Helpless Newborn's Toes

WALDEN, TN—While family members stood silently by and did nothing, visiting aunt Debbie Koeler proclaimed her desire to consume the "tiny little toesies" of her nephew Daniel, a powerless infant less than one-fifth her size, after the child's christening Sunday. "Who's my little sugar pie? I could just eat you right up," Koeler threatened as she held the vulnerable child above her cavernous mouth and simulated the impending act of cannibalism on his tiny, dangling legs. "I've gotcha! I've gotcha! Yes I do! Yes I do!" Koeler then returned the confused and speechless newborn to the bouncy seat, prodded his abdomen, and disappeared behind her own hands.

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