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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Australian Open Canceled As Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom Of Earth Into The Sky

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Organizers of the Australian Open canceled the highly anticipated Grand Slam event Wednesday night after admitting they were unable to prevent tennis balls from falling off the underside of the planet and into the sky. "We regret to announce we had not adequately researched the problems of playing tennis upside down here on the bottom of the world," a statement by tournament organizers read in part. "Our deepest, most sincere apologies go out to spectators, to participants, and especially to the family and friends of Kim Clijsters, who was last spotted by Royal Australian Air Force radar falling down through the atmosphere following an ill-advised jump serve." Sporting cognoscenti said the problems facing the Open were not insurmountable, pointing to the innovations that allowed Australian soccer to develop into Australian rules football in the 19th century.

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