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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Australian Parliament Gathers To Discuss Dwindling Hemsworth Reserves

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—Stressing the need to take urgent action before it’s too late, the Australian Parliament gathered Monday to discuss the nation’s dwindling Hemsworth reserves. “Over the last decade, our nation’s crucial Hemsworth supply has decreased to the point of being nearly depleted,” said The Honorable Stephen Perry, President of the Senate, adding that Australia could not afford to squander its most precious resource and must preserve what little was left for the sake of its children and grandchildren. “I fear we are reaching a precipice from which there is no turning back. We all saw what happened to Sweden’s Skarsgård reserves and what a disaster that was—if we don’t learn from history, the consequences for our nation will be dire indeed.” At press time, the Parliament had voted to freeze all Hemsworth exports, as it might take a generation for the supply to be replenished.

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