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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Author To Use Water As Metaphor

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Novelist, playwright, and poet H. Gregor Lafferty, 41, announced Monday his plan to use water as a metaphor in an upcoming and as-yet-untitled work.

"Water," said Lafferty, pausing for effect and gazing off into the middle distance. "It could have any number of profoundly resonant meanings: the flow of time, a lover's secret, death, birth, an archetypal coming-of-age experience, or even a spiritual cleansing. Really, the possibilities are endless…as endless as the eternal yet ever-changing sea."

Several of Lafferty's previous literary efforts, which employed such devices as a wedding dress symbolizing fate and a gas station that represents renewal, have been published in the North Carolina–based quarterly Catawba.

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