Author Wishes She Hadn't Blown Personal Tragedy On First Book

Top Headlines


Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Author Wishes She Hadn't Blown Personal Tragedy On First Book

SANTA FE, NM–Author Jessica Kingley expressed regret Monday that she had "pretty much used up all the hardship" from her early life in her recent first novel Bitter Root, leaving her nothing to write about for her follow-up book.

Kingley in her Santa Fe home.

"In writing Bitter Root, I drew heavily on my experiences growing up poor and neglected by my alcoholic parents in an economically depressed small town in southern Oklahoma," the 36-year-old Kingley said. "Apparently, I drew a little too heavily, because I don't have any personal trials and tribulations left for the next one."

Bitter Root, the fictional story of a young woman named Jessie Strong growing up in the desolation of an economically depressed small town in southern Oklahoma, was heralded by The Chicago Sun-Times as "a searing, painfully honest portrait of a young girl's hardscrabble adolescence on the plains."

The success of Bitter Root, which climbed to #16 on the New York Times bestseller list, netted Kingley a second-book deal with Viking Press worth a reported $450,000. Kingley said the prospect of writing a follow-up seems daunting.

"I've already used the time my dad, in a drunken rage, burned down the house," Kingley said. "I used the time my grandmother died and everyone in my family missed the funeral. I used the stuff about the summer the river dried up. I even used that corrupt police officer my cousin dated, even though I only met him once. I just don't have any more memories with that kind of dramatic heft."

During her painful years growing up in Oklahoma, "where oppressive heat bears down on chained dogs longing to run–run!–and never look back," Kingley experienced a number of other hardships firsthand. At 16, she ran away from home the night her father threatened her with a gun. At 18, she fell into a string of unhealthy relationships that led to a near-fatal bout with bulimia. At 19, she underwent the physically and emotionally wrenching experience of having an abortion.

Unfortunately, the protagonist of Bitter Root underwent every last one of these tragedies, as well.

"Jessie is a troubled spirit," Kingley said. "She's the type of person who's too strong-willed to listen to others. She's a woman who has to make her own way in this world. So, what happens after she survives her traumatic childhood and, at 20, finally leaves Oklahoma behind to create a new life for herself in New Mexico? A bunch of stuff way too boring to write about."

Kingley has already taken several unsuccessful stabs at a second novel. First, she tried writing about a young woman facing adversity growing up on the Louisiana Bayou. Discovering she knew little about Bayou culture, Kingley changed the setting of the book to an economically depressed town in Appalachia, but ultimately found she had a hard time identifying with the characters she created.

"After those false starts, I thought maybe I needed to branch out and try something totally different," Kingley said. "I started a sci-fi novel about a young woman and the hardships she faces growing up in a uranium-mining colony on a sparsely populated planet in the Andromeda Galaxy. It didn't really pan out."

Kingley also attempted, without luck, to find inspiration in her more recent struggles.

"I thought I could get at least a short story out of the time my car broke down last year," Kingley said. "The opening paragraphs about the smoking, stalled car sitting on the shoulder of the highway were pretty good, but it kind of lost momentum when I got to the part about being approved for a loan and picking out a Saturn with my friend from grad school."

The experience of trying to finish "Curls Of Smoke On A Highway" made Kingley realize her recent life may not be suitable for novelization.

"Pretty much everything after 1990 is a wash," Kingley said. "That's when I landed my writing residency at the University of New Mexico. After that came my book deal. Then I got married, and my husband and I bought a house. So, right now, my only hope is giving birth to an autistic child. I'll keep my fingers crossed."