Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

Authorities Confirm North Korea Now Has Missile Capable Of Hitting Sam Waterston’s House

WASHINGTON—Offering a stark and sobering assessment of the consequences of a military conflict with the nuclear-armed nation, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed Wednesday that North Korea now possesses missile technology capable of reaching Sam Waterston’s house. “According to an analysis of satellite images and data gathered from recent tests, it appears that the residence of longtime Law & Order actor Sam Waterston now lies within the range of North Korea’s intercontinental ballistic missiles,” said CIA spokesperson Rebecca Levin, explaining in bleak terms how the multitalented star of both screen and stage would have only 10 minutes of advance warning in the event of a launched attack, likely making it impossible for the Academy Award nominee to safely flee any direct strike on his property. “While we have a high degree of confidence in our country’s anti-ballistic missile defense system, there remains a possibility that an incoming ICBM could enter American airspace and detonate directly above Mr. Waterston. This is a distinct and terrifying prospect that I can assure you we do not take lightly.” Levin added that, while the intelligence remains as yet inconclusive, it appears that North Korea may possess multiple functional nuclear warheads, leaving open the dire possibility of a simultaneous strike on Waterston’s primary residence, vacation home, and sailboat.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.