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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Authorities Discover Illegal Frog-Jumping Ring In Eli Manning's Backyard

BUTTERFIELD, MO—Authorities responding to complaints of excessive hooting and hollering on a 15-acre farm owned by New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning discovered an illegal frog-jumping ring Friday, leading to the arrest of Wilbur Jefferson, Manning's second cousin and the farm's only resident. "We have identified as many as a dozen violations of federal batrachian-cruelty laws concerning the procuring, housing, and training of the bullfrogs forced to take part in these underground leaping competitions," Barry County Sheriff's Department spokesman Brad Winters told reporters as photographers worked to document frog-jumping implements such as lengths of knotted measuring twine, jars of pond water, and a burial pit containing the bodies of legless and presumably defeated frogs. "We are not certain if Manning himself is involved, but he has been named as a person of interest in this case, and we have collected smokeless tobacco samples for DNA analysis." Winters would not confirm that police had acquired a cell-phone video in which a squatting Manning was clearly shown warning Jeremy Shockey against touching the amphibians during the contest, weighing opponents' frogs with buckshot, or using toads.

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