adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Authorities Discover Illegal Frog-Jumping Ring In Eli Manning's Backyard

BUTTERFIELD, MO—Authorities responding to complaints of excessive hooting and hollering on a 15-acre farm owned by New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning discovered an illegal frog-jumping ring Friday, leading to the arrest of Wilbur Jefferson, Manning's second cousin and the farm's only resident. "We have identified as many as a dozen violations of federal batrachian-cruelty laws concerning the procuring, housing, and training of the bullfrogs forced to take part in these underground leaping competitions," Barry County Sheriff's Department spokesman Brad Winters told reporters as photographers worked to document frog-jumping implements such as lengths of knotted measuring twine, jars of pond water, and a burial pit containing the bodies of legless and presumably defeated frogs. "We are not certain if Manning himself is involved, but he has been named as a person of interest in this case, and we have collected smokeless tobacco samples for DNA analysis." Winters would not confirm that police had acquired a cell-phone video in which a squatting Manning was clearly shown warning Jeremy Shockey against touching the amphibians during the contest, weighing opponents' frogs with buckshot, or using toads.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close