Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It

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Vol 46 Issue 10

Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone.

Kevin Durant

In only his third year in the league, this Thunder forward is putting up LeBron James–like numbers. Is he any good?
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Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It

HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the 29-year-old really went full-on balls-to-the-wall. "Judging by the blood spatter and his use of double-aught buckshot, we believe it's safe to say the victim did a hell of a number on himself," Haverford Police Department detective Hank Davidson said at the scene of what he called a real fucking doozy. "This guy was not messing around." County coroner Gus Weldon confirmed the findings, adding a low whistle and shaking his head.

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