Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Authorities: Missing Plates And Glasses Found Filthy But Safe In Roommate’s Room

CARSON CITY, MI—Nearly a week after the dishes vanished from the kitchen cabinets, authorities reported Wednesday that a collection of missing plates and glasses were found filthy but safe in roommate Brian Massoud’s room. “We are pleased to announce that the three missing plates and five glasses were located on the floor next to Brian’s bed, absolutely disgusting but now, thankfully, out of harm’s way,” said Michael Sanders, who had led the exhaustive search of the three-bedroom apartment that had seemed hopeless until a tip from Massoud’s girlfriend directed authorities to a dinner plate crusted with melted cheese and a tumbler with fingernail clippings floating in an inch of rapidly spoiling milk. “Unsurprisingly, given what they’ve been through, it will take some time before these dishes will be able to handle any contact with food or drink. But with the proper rehabilitation, we are optimistic that they can be reshelved and resume a normal life.” At press time, the dishes had all been placed in the kitchen sink, where they were reportedly soaking comfortably.

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