Authorities Not Even Going To Bother Looking For Motive Behind Oregon Shooting

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Vol 48 Issue 50

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything...

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Authorities Not Even Going To Bother Looking For Motive Behind Oregon Shooting

'He Was An Asshole, How's That?' Officials Say

CLACKAMAS, OR—Following the shooting at a crowded Oregon mall that killed two people Tuesday, local authorities confirmed they were not even going to waste their time trying to find the killer's motive, having determined that the individual was "really awful and a piece of shit human being and that's that, sound good?" "Look, we could do a whole thing where we delve into his personal history and find out what, psychologically, made this particular murderer tick, but screw that, here's our conclusion: He was a complete asshole and a crazy prick, and he shot random, innocent strangers for no reason at all, because he was terrible," Clackamas County Sheriff Cody Arnold told reporters, shrugging his shoulders. "Fuck 'em, you know? Guy was a really shitty person. There's your motive right there." Authorities also confirmed that insane assholes who are allowed to have guns tend to do insane things with them, "How about that?"

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