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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Authorities Not Even Going To Bother Looking For Motive Behind Oregon Shooting

'He Was An Asshole, How's That?' Officials Say

CLACKAMAS, OR—Following the shooting at a crowded Oregon mall that killed two people Tuesday, local authorities confirmed they were not even going to waste their time trying to find the killer's motive, having determined that the individual was "really awful and a piece of shit human being and that's that, sound good?" "Look, we could do a whole thing where we delve into his personal history and find out what, psychologically, made this particular murderer tick, but screw that, here's our conclusion: He was a complete asshole and a crazy prick, and he shot random, innocent strangers for no reason at all, because he was terrible," Clackamas County Sheriff Cody Arnold told reporters, shrugging his shoulders. "Fuck 'em, you know? Guy was a really shitty person. There's your motive right there." Authorities also confirmed that insane assholes who are allowed to have guns tend to do insane things with them, "How about that?"

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