Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

Authorities Praise Twitter Users’ Rapid Response To Virginia Shooting

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Recounting how they rushed to the social media platform in a matter of moments, local authorities Wednesday praised Twitter users’ rapid response to the shooting of a Republican congressman and four others. “We would like to acknowledge those Twitter users who, without any hesitation, immediately leaped into action after they saw the first headline about today’s tragedy,” said Alexandria Police Chief Michael Brown, adding that they didn’t think twice before assigning blame or fueling speculation, willingly engaging in petty arguments and personal attacks in a situation where any normal person would have just stayed away. “Focused and intent on getting their takes out there, they disregarded all consequences and, as if by instinct, jumped right into the fray, not wasting precious seconds confirming the veracity of their claims or checking the spelling of their statements.” Brown went on to say that this level of dedication should come as no surprise to anyone, as Twitter users go above and beyond like this every single day.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.