Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Authorities Praise Twitter Users’ Rapid Response To Virginia Shooting

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Recounting how they rushed to the social media platform in a matter of moments, local authorities Wednesday praised Twitter users’ rapid response to the shooting of a Republican congressman and four others. “We would like to acknowledge those Twitter users who, without any hesitation, immediately leaped into action after they saw the first headline about today’s tragedy,” said Alexandria Police Chief Michael Brown, adding that they didn’t think twice before assigning blame or fueling speculation, willingly engaging in petty arguments and personal attacks in a situation where any normal person would have just stayed away. “Focused and intent on getting their takes out there, they disregarded all consequences and, as if by instinct, jumped right into the fray, not wasting precious seconds confirming the veracity of their claims or checking the spelling of their statements.” Brown went on to say that this level of dedication should come as no surprise to anyone, as Twitter users go above and beyond like this every single day.

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