adBlockCheck

Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This

BOSTON—In the aftermath of yesterday’s bombings at the Boston Marathon, which left three dead and over 100 wounded, authorities announced this morning that, sadly, there are actually numerous people who could have carried out the attack.

“While many details are still unclear, we can confirm that, as awful and depressing as it is to say, there are actually many, many people out there who would have wanted to set off an explosive device on a crowded street corner full of innocent men, women, and children,” FBI Special Agent in Charge Rick DesLauriers told reporters, adding that authorities are parsing through all available photo and video evidence in order to narrow down what is, unfortunately but undeniably, a really rather long list of potential suspects. “The fact is, there is a disturbingly high number of people in the world who are capable of planning and executing such an attack, and plenty who would devote a considerable amount of their time and resources to doing so.”

“Moreover, while it may sound terrible, scores and scores of people who are alive on this planet right now would actually be able to convince themselves that carrying out a deadly bombing attack on civilians running a marathon would somehow be the right thing to do,” DesLauriers continued. “You really have no idea, honestly, how many people could tell themselves this and believe it with every fiber of their being.”

DesLauriers went on to stress that, of the suspects potentially responsible for the attack, there are hundreds more within the United States alone who are in all likelihood planning similar, possibly more devastating attacks in the near future.

The FBI special agent also told reporters that, though the knowledge of it makes him completely sick to his stomach, there are conceivably thousands, if not millions, around the world who are unable to carry out such an attack themselves, but actually derived pleasure and joy from the sight of its resulting carnage.

“The investigation is ongoing and will probably continue for some time, because there is, appallingly, a true abundance of deranged individuals who would gladly put explosive devices inside trash cans next to where large crowds gather to cheer on their loved ones to the finish line of a race,” said DesLauriers. “Furthermore, there are somehow actual humans currently in existence who would have absolutely no difficulty—no difficulty whatsoever—in bringing themselves to detonate those explosives knowing full well the amount of potential casualties and critical injuries they would cause.”

“Tragically, these are the only pieces of information of which we are 100 percent certain,” DesLauriers added.

Local officials from the Boston Police Department echoed DesLauriers’ comments, telling reporters that the search for the perpetrators will, unbelievably, require a diligent, around-the-clock search through a shockingly large pool of potential suspects.

“Patriots’ Day has long been a tradition in which the people of Massachusetts gather together to eat food, watch sports, and generally enjoy the day with their families and friends, and there are, I truly hate to say, a host of total psychopaths both here and abroad who would go to great lengths to completely rob everyone of that, and to rob us all of whatever trace of innocence and personal well-being we have left,” said Boston Police Commissioner Ed Davis. “Rest assured, however, we have people working around the clock trying to narrow down the individual or individuals who, heartbreakingly, will be far from the last to attempt something like what happened yesterday.”

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close