adBlockCheck

Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This

BOSTON—In the aftermath of yesterday’s bombings at the Boston Marathon, which left three dead and over 100 wounded, authorities announced this morning that, sadly, there are actually numerous people who could have carried out the attack.

“While many details are still unclear, we can confirm that, as awful and depressing as it is to say, there are actually many, many people out there who would have wanted to set off an explosive device on a crowded street corner full of innocent men, women, and children,” FBI Special Agent in Charge Rick DesLauriers told reporters, adding that authorities are parsing through all available photo and video evidence in order to narrow down what is, unfortunately but undeniably, a really rather long list of potential suspects. “The fact is, there is a disturbingly high number of people in the world who are capable of planning and executing such an attack, and plenty who would devote a considerable amount of their time and resources to doing so.”

“Moreover, while it may sound terrible, scores and scores of people who are alive on this planet right now would actually be able to convince themselves that carrying out a deadly bombing attack on civilians running a marathon would somehow be the right thing to do,” DesLauriers continued. “You really have no idea, honestly, how many people could tell themselves this and believe it with every fiber of their being.”

DesLauriers went on to stress that, of the suspects potentially responsible for the attack, there are hundreds more within the United States alone who are in all likelihood planning similar, possibly more devastating attacks in the near future.

The FBI special agent also told reporters that, though the knowledge of it makes him completely sick to his stomach, there are conceivably thousands, if not millions, around the world who are unable to carry out such an attack themselves, but actually derived pleasure and joy from the sight of its resulting carnage.

“The investigation is ongoing and will probably continue for some time, because there is, appallingly, a true abundance of deranged individuals who would gladly put explosive devices inside trash cans next to where large crowds gather to cheer on their loved ones to the finish line of a race,” said DesLauriers. “Furthermore, there are somehow actual humans currently in existence who would have absolutely no difficulty—no difficulty whatsoever—in bringing themselves to detonate those explosives knowing full well the amount of potential casualties and critical injuries they would cause.”

“Tragically, these are the only pieces of information of which we are 100 percent certain,” DesLauriers added.

Local officials from the Boston Police Department echoed DesLauriers’ comments, telling reporters that the search for the perpetrators will, unbelievably, require a diligent, around-the-clock search through a shockingly large pool of potential suspects.

“Patriots’ Day has long been a tradition in which the people of Massachusetts gather together to eat food, watch sports, and generally enjoy the day with their families and friends, and there are, I truly hate to say, a host of total psychopaths both here and abroad who would go to great lengths to completely rob everyone of that, and to rob us all of whatever trace of innocence and personal well-being we have left,” said Boston Police Commissioner Ed Davis. “Rest assured, however, we have people working around the clock trying to narrow down the individual or individuals who, heartbreakingly, will be far from the last to attempt something like what happened yesterday.”

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close