adBlockCheck

Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This

BOSTON—In the aftermath of yesterday’s bombings at the Boston Marathon, which left three dead and over 100 wounded, authorities announced this morning that, sadly, there are actually numerous people who could have carried out the attack.

“While many details are still unclear, we can confirm that, as awful and depressing as it is to say, there are actually many, many people out there who would have wanted to set off an explosive device on a crowded street corner full of innocent men, women, and children,” FBI Special Agent in Charge Rick DesLauriers told reporters, adding that authorities are parsing through all available photo and video evidence in order to narrow down what is, unfortunately but undeniably, a really rather long list of potential suspects. “The fact is, there is a disturbingly high number of people in the world who are capable of planning and executing such an attack, and plenty who would devote a considerable amount of their time and resources to doing so.”

“Moreover, while it may sound terrible, scores and scores of people who are alive on this planet right now would actually be able to convince themselves that carrying out a deadly bombing attack on civilians running a marathon would somehow be the right thing to do,” DesLauriers continued. “You really have no idea, honestly, how many people could tell themselves this and believe it with every fiber of their being.”

DesLauriers went on to stress that, of the suspects potentially responsible for the attack, there are hundreds more within the United States alone who are in all likelihood planning similar, possibly more devastating attacks in the near future.

The FBI special agent also told reporters that, though the knowledge of it makes him completely sick to his stomach, there are conceivably thousands, if not millions, around the world who are unable to carry out such an attack themselves, but actually derived pleasure and joy from the sight of its resulting carnage.

“The investigation is ongoing and will probably continue for some time, because there is, appallingly, a true abundance of deranged individuals who would gladly put explosive devices inside trash cans next to where large crowds gather to cheer on their loved ones to the finish line of a race,” said DesLauriers. “Furthermore, there are somehow actual humans currently in existence who would have absolutely no difficulty—no difficulty whatsoever—in bringing themselves to detonate those explosives knowing full well the amount of potential casualties and critical injuries they would cause.”

“Tragically, these are the only pieces of information of which we are 100 percent certain,” DesLauriers added.

Local officials from the Boston Police Department echoed DesLauriers’ comments, telling reporters that the search for the perpetrators will, unbelievably, require a diligent, around-the-clock search through a shockingly large pool of potential suspects.

“Patriots’ Day has long been a tradition in which the people of Massachusetts gather together to eat food, watch sports, and generally enjoy the day with their families and friends, and there are, I truly hate to say, a host of total psychopaths both here and abroad who would go to great lengths to completely rob everyone of that, and to rob us all of whatever trace of innocence and personal well-being we have left,” said Boston Police Commissioner Ed Davis. “Rest assured, however, we have people working around the clock trying to narrow down the individual or individuals who, heartbreakingly, will be far from the last to attempt something like what happened yesterday.”

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close