Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse

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Vol 40 Issue 49

Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz

CINCINNATI—Out-of-the-loop moron Karen Lenz stunned everyone within earshot Monday when she said Brittany Murphy was still dating Jeff Kwatinetz. "Isn't Brittany Murphy that teen star who's engaged to that agent?" said Lenz, who has apparently been in a coma since May 2004, when Kwatinetz and Murphy split. Sources close to the dumbbell said she's so retarded, she wasn't even aware that Murphy attended a guest screening of the film Bad Education last month, escorted by an anonymous hunk of arm candy.

Bible Only Work Of Fiction In Family's Home

LAWRENCE, KS—After a weekend visit to the home of Gloria and Ben Kirchbauer, nephew James Fenderman, 26, said Monday that he was unable to locate a single work of fiction in the house. "I just wanted something to read before bed, but all my aunt and uncle had was a row of Time-Life how-to books, Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution, a yearbook, and Sincerely, Andy Rooney," Fenderman said. "The only book with any narrative whatsoever was the Good News Bible." Fenderman said he finally settled for a March 1995 issue of Prevention magazine that he'd found on a shelf with his aunt's cookbooks.

Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny

BILLINGS, MT—Accountant Carl Scoval told reporters Monday that, although he's heard that the wife of his coworker Tom Barton is hilarious, he's never had the opportunity to witness her sense of humor. "Tom is always saying how cool his wife Kim is, how she's always cracking these ironic jokes," Scoval said. "I guess she can cuss a blue streak, too. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll catch her in the act. Every time I've been around her, she's been pretty quiet." Scoval said he hears Kim can drink Barton under the table, as well.

City To Issue Deep, Meaningful Municipal Bonds

MODESTO, CA—The Modesto City Council announced Monday that it will issue deep, meaningful, general-obligation municipal bonds to any investor wishing to improve relations with the city. "My hope is that we can foster a closer, richer relationship with those who might provide us monies to improve Modesto's antiquated sewer system," Mayor Jim Ridenour said in an appeal to potential investors. "I promise—and this is coming right from the heart—if you stick with us through the long term, you will find yourself in a rewarding relationship with tax-exempt dividends." Ridenour added that bonds like his will need constant nurturing if they are to keep their Triple-A-rated status.

Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Scott Peterson, convicted in November of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn child, was issued a Lifetime Channel sentence during the penalty phase of his trial Monday. "Mr. Peterson's story shall be re-enacted in Lifetime movies and miniseries for a period of no less than 10 years," Judge Alfred Delucci told a packed courtroom Monday. "His story shall be remanded to Lifetime's custody until the network determines that public interest has waned sufficiently to allow airings on Oxygen." Delucci ordered that Peterson's team of lawyers be present for the casting.

Dollar Low Against Euro

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Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem.
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Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse

SEYMOUR, IN—Local authority figures and townspeople assembled Monday at Seymour Town Hall to call for the closure of the town's controversial roughhouse, alleging that it has caused countless scrapes, bumps, and bruises since it opened in 1986.

Authority figures at City Hall call for the closing of the roughhouse (below).

"We're fed up," said Dolly Geary, the local PTA chairwoman and a co-founder of the Task Force Against Skinned Knees. "That place is dangerous. It needs to be shut down before someone gets hurt."

The roughhouse, a crude wooden shanty erected on a vacant lot in the southwestern edge of the city, serves as the site of activities that Geary characterized as rowdy. She said screaming, giggling, and "slamming sounds" often emanate from the structure, especially when school isn't in session.

"I'm tired of people asking 'Where's the rumpus?'" Geary said. "We know darn well where it is, and it's about time we did something about it."

While roughhousers have never reported injuries more severe than minor skin abrasions, pulled hair, squeezed ribcages, and hyperventilation, authority figures said greater harm could occur if the antics continue unchecked.

"I'll bet that place is littered with rusty nails," Geary said. "It's all fun and games now, but when someone gets lockjaw, who'll be laughing?"

Neighbors report that they are losing patience with the racket that emanates from the roughhouse.

"You tell them to knock it off until you're blue in the face," said Larry Diggs, a task-force member and high-school shop teacher who lives across the street from the roughhouse. "Sure, it'll quiet down for a minute, but as soon I turn my back, the squeals and thuds start right up again."

Area Roughhouse

Little is known about what goes on inside the roughhouse, as its visitors are reluctant to snitch. Seymour authority figures have not visited the roughhouse personally, for fear of slipping and breaking their necks.

Former roughhouser Will Keegan provided clues to the place's seemingly irresistible attraction.

"Aw, yeah, the good old roughhouse," said Keegan, 22. "Haven't thought about it in years. Does it still have that ratty old mattress? We used to crouch on the windowsill and leap onto the mattress. You had to have good aim, because anyone who missed and hit the floor got beaten with Wiffle-ball bats as punishment. Oh, and that grocery cart! Is that still there, too?"

Roughhouse proponents like Keegan argue that the horseplay remains voluntary, and that risk of injury is low because total wusses aren't allowed inside the structure.

Brad Martinelli, an area resident who frequented the roughhouse during his youth, said his years inside instilled him with a sense of confidence and belonging.

"Even though I was failing at school and struggling with my parents' divorce, the roughhouse showed me that I could win a good chicken fight or worm my way out of a half-nelson," Martinelli said. "I'm sure that even the queers who got smeared knew it was all in fun."

This defense has failed to satisfy roughhouse opponents, who maintain that the site is an eyesore, a nuisance, and a recipe for trouble.

"If we don't take action now, the problem could get worse," nurse practitioner Shirley Stotts said. "I don't want Seymour to go the route of Muncie, which has a big roughhousing development right downtown. Police are always getting called there to break up giant monkey piles."

With so many grown-ups, from librarians to softball coaches, calling for the roughhouse's closure, it seems likely to soon go the way of the giant mud hole, a downtown mud-pie-making location shut down in 1997.

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