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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Automated Teller Has More Personality Than Human Teller

SEATTLE, WA—Waugh Street Washington Mutual's new ATM has more personality than Janine Byrd, one of the branch's human tellers, sources reported Tuesday. "Don't forget to take your cash, Kyle. Would you like a receipt today?" asked the ATM's full-color, animated screen after the machine dispensed $40. "No? Have a nice day, then. Thanks, Kyle!" By contrast, every customer waited on by the tired-looking Byrd was greeted with the same monotone delivery of "Hello. How may I help you today?"

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