adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Automated Teller Has More Personality Than Human Teller

SEATTLE, WA—Waugh Street Washington Mutual's new ATM has more personality than Janine Byrd, one of the branch's human tellers, sources reported Tuesday. "Don't forget to take your cash, Kyle. Would you like a receipt today?" asked the ATM's full-color, animated screen after the machine dispensed $40. "No? Have a nice day, then. Thanks, Kyle!" By contrast, every customer waited on by the tired-looking Byrd was greeted with the same monotone delivery of "Hello. How may I help you today?"

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close