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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Automated Teller Has More Personality Than Human Teller

SEATTLE, WA—Waugh Street Washington Mutual's new ATM has more personality than Janine Byrd, one of the branch's human tellers, sources reported Tuesday. "Don't forget to take your cash, Kyle. Would you like a receipt today?" asked the ATM's full-color, animated screen after the machine dispensed $40. "No? Have a nice day, then. Thanks, Kyle!" By contrast, every customer waited on by the tired-looking Byrd was greeted with the same monotone delivery of "Hello. How may I help you today?"

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