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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Autopsy Determines Total Loser’s Corpse Contained No Traces Of Drugs, Alcohol

SEATTLE—Suggesting that the victim’s death was likely the most interesting thing that had ever happened to him, Seattle city coroner Philip Grossman told reporters Wednesday that the 38-year-old local loser he was autopsying had nothing remotely cool in his bloodstream at the time of his passing. “Upon initially examining the body, we at first suspected the deceased might have flamed out with a little glory, but according to the toxicology report his system contained no evidence of hard drugs, prescription pills, booze, or even caffeine, for crying out loud,” said Grossman, surmising that the grade-A lame-o never had a day of fun in his life given how untarnished and intact his liver and lungs were. “Yesterday, we had this awesome dude with lethal levels of tequila, painkillers, and coke in him all at the same time; that guy could party. Definitely wasn’t a giant puss like the present victim.” Grossman added that the closest the deceased got to being cool was his failure to wear his seatbelt.

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