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Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Notable Female Writers Throughout History

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
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Autopsy Determines Total Loser’s Corpse Contained No Traces Of Drugs, Alcohol

SEATTLE—Suggesting that the victim’s death was likely the most interesting thing that had ever happened to him, Seattle city coroner Philip Grossman told reporters Wednesday that the 38-year-old local loser he was autopsying had nothing remotely cool in his bloodstream at the time of his passing. “Upon initially examining the body, we at first suspected the deceased might have flamed out with a little glory, but according to the toxicology report his system contained no evidence of hard drugs, prescription pills, booze, or even caffeine, for crying out loud,” said Grossman, surmising that the grade-A lame-o never had a day of fun in his life given how untarnished and intact his liver and lungs were. “Yesterday, we had this awesome dude with lethal levels of tequila, painkillers, and coke in him all at the same time; that guy could party. Definitely wasn’t a giant puss like the present victim.” Grossman added that the closest the deceased got to being cool was his failure to wear his seatbelt.

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