Average Time Spent Being Happy Drops To 13 Seconds Per Day

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Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy

NORMAL, IL—Despite possessing a fully developed brain and a general awareness of the fundamental nature of existence, sources said Rob Peterson, 37, apparently continues to believe that achieving long-lasting happiness is somehow possible.
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Average Time Spent Being Happy Drops To 13 Seconds Per Day

BERKELEY, CA—A study published in the latest issue of the Journal Of Social Sciences revealed that the amount of time spent being happy has dropped to an all-time low of 13 nonconsecutive seconds per day. "According to our data, the average American experiences a 0.8-second window of happiness upon awakening, before remembering that they're conscious beings in a relentlessly bleak and numbing world," said Dr. Derek Moore, lead author of the paper. "Other periods of happiness include 1.9 seconds after a good meal; 0.6 seconds upon receiving a paycheck; 1.1 seconds following completion of a scientific study; and the 2.5 seconds approaching orgasm, just before the guilt sets in." Researchers also recorded the smallest period of contentment yet, a 3.7-millisecond interval preceding the realization that one was experiencing happiness and that it could not possibly last.