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Award-Winning News Team Keeps Southern Iowa Man In Touch With Southern Iowa

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Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
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Award-Winning News Team Keeps Southern Iowa Man In Touch With Southern Iowa

The Channel Six news team (from L to R): co-anchor Melanie Washbeyer, meteorologist Steve Schaffer, Bob Keenan on sports, and co-anchor Jeff Crim. Inset: Southern Iowa man Cal Fenert, whom News 6 helps keep informed.
The Channel Six news team (from L to R): co-anchor Melanie Washbeyer, meteorologist Steve Schaffer, Bob Keenan on sports, and co-anchor Jeff Crim. Inset: Southern Iowa man Cal Fenert, whom News 6 helps keep informed.

DES MOINES, IA—With its accurate, up-to-the-minute coverage of local news, weather and sports, the award-winning News-6 team keeps Southern Iowa TV viewer Cal Fenert in touch with Southern Iowa, it was learned yesterday.

According to Fenert, “I feel that I can depend on News-6.”

The Des Moines-based News-6, broadcast on local ABC affiliate KNZR, airs nightly at both 6 and 10.

“This means that if I miss the 6 o-clock news,” Fenert said, “I can stay in touch by tuning in to a wrap-up of the news that shapes my world at 10.”

Fenert, a retired auto worker, added: “I look forward to joining anchorpersons Melanie Washbeyer and Jeff Crim, as well as meteorologist Steve Schaffer, with Bob Keenan on sports.”

According to reports, Fenert had only occasionally watched local news in the past; he was not aware that News-6 was putting him in touch with Southern Iowa until he saw its promotional advertisement on TV. In the ad, the News-6 team is shown individually, sitting on stools in front of a soft-colored background accompanied by synthesized music.

“We’re keeping you in touch with Southern Iowa,” Washbeyer says in the promo, looking away from the camera as if talking to a reporter.

Said Fenert, “I am kept in touch because the News-6 van is always on the scene when late-breaking news happens. Their experienced team of reporters is always on the NightBeat.”

Thanks to the three-time local Emmy-nominated news team, Fenert has also been kept in touch with kids and the community.

“News-6 takes time out for kids, and cares about the community,” Fenert said. “That’s why they feature Kid Care Mondays. And that’s also why they feature the Good Neighbor Watch, which once a week profiles someone right here in my own community who’s making a difference.”

“We’re doing our job right if Cal Fenert feels as though he’s in touch with Southern Iowa,” News-6 general manager Neil Roukman said. “When Cal Fenert needs the latest coverage of local events, he can count on News-6.”

Roukman added that, like Fenert, he also cares about kids and the community.

According to reports, when Fenert needs all the local sports scores, Bob Keenan of News-6 Sports provides them.

“I give Cal Fenert the latest pro and college scores and highlights, as well as update him on what’s happening in the high school scene right here in Southern Iowa,” Keenan said. “If you want prep basketball results, there isn’t better coverage in the whole state.”

And Fenert is kept well abreast of local weather conditions by meteorologist Steve Schaffer.

“He employs the latest Doppler radar technology to give me the dependable AccuWeather forecast I need, when I need it,” Fenert said.

Fenert reportedly was kept in touch as recently as last night, when he joined anchorpersons Washbeyer and Crim for the 10 p.m. update.

“I am glad I joined them,” Fenert said. “They put me in touch with the news and events that shape my world, and then they put it all in perspective.”

This, say insiders, is how News-6 can put Fenert in touch with the people and the stories that the other networks can’t.

News-6 is owned by Trans-GlobalMedia Enterprises Worldwide, Inc., a multi-billion dollar company that owns 607 stations across the U.S. The company was also ruled responsible last month for the chemical spill-related deaths of 80,000 workers at its plastics factory in Dharjahal, India.

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