Award-Winning News Team Keeps Southern Iowa Man In Touch With Southern Iowa

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Award-Winning News Team Keeps Southern Iowa Man In Touch With Southern Iowa

The Channel Six news team (from L to R): co-anchor Melanie Washbeyer, meteorologist Steve Schaffer, Bob Keenan on sports, and co-anchor Jeff Crim. Inset: Southern Iowa man Cal Fenert, whom News 6 helps keep informed.
The Channel Six news team (from L to R): co-anchor Melanie Washbeyer, meteorologist Steve Schaffer, Bob Keenan on sports, and co-anchor Jeff Crim. Inset: Southern Iowa man Cal Fenert, whom News 6 helps keep informed.

DES MOINES, IA—With its accurate, up-to-the-minute coverage of local news, weather and sports, the award-winning News-6 team keeps Southern Iowa TV viewer Cal Fenert in touch with Southern Iowa, it was learned yesterday.

According to Fenert, “I feel that I can depend on News-6.”

The Des Moines-based News-6, broadcast on local ABC affiliate KNZR, airs nightly at both 6 and 10.

“This means that if I miss the 6 o-clock news,” Fenert said, “I can stay in touch by tuning in to a wrap-up of the news that shapes my world at 10.”

Fenert, a retired auto worker, added: “I look forward to joining anchorpersons Melanie Washbeyer and Jeff Crim, as well as meteorologist Steve Schaffer, with Bob Keenan on sports.”

According to reports, Fenert had only occasionally watched local news in the past; he was not aware that News-6 was putting him in touch with Southern Iowa until he saw its promotional advertisement on TV. In the ad, the News-6 team is shown individually, sitting on stools in front of a soft-colored background accompanied by synthesized music.

“We’re keeping you in touch with Southern Iowa,” Washbeyer says in the promo, looking away from the camera as if talking to a reporter.

Said Fenert, “I am kept in touch because the News-6 van is always on the scene when late-breaking news happens. Their experienced team of reporters is always on the NightBeat.”

Thanks to the three-time local Emmy-nominated news team, Fenert has also been kept in touch with kids and the community.

“News-6 takes time out for kids, and cares about the community,” Fenert said. “That’s why they feature Kid Care Mondays. And that’s also why they feature the Good Neighbor Watch, which once a week profiles someone right here in my own community who’s making a difference.”

“We’re doing our job right if Cal Fenert feels as though he’s in touch with Southern Iowa,” News-6 general manager Neil Roukman said. “When Cal Fenert needs the latest coverage of local events, he can count on News-6.”

Roukman added that, like Fenert, he also cares about kids and the community.

According to reports, when Fenert needs all the local sports scores, Bob Keenan of News-6 Sports provides them.

“I give Cal Fenert the latest pro and college scores and highlights, as well as update him on what’s happening in the high school scene right here in Southern Iowa,” Keenan said. “If you want prep basketball results, there isn’t better coverage in the whole state.”

And Fenert is kept well abreast of local weather conditions by meteorologist Steve Schaffer.

“He employs the latest Doppler radar technology to give me the dependable AccuWeather forecast I need, when I need it,” Fenert said.

Fenert reportedly was kept in touch as recently as last night, when he joined anchorpersons Washbeyer and Crim for the 10 p.m. update.

“I am glad I joined them,” Fenert said. “They put me in touch with the news and events that shape my world, and then they put it all in perspective.”

This, say insiders, is how News-6 can put Fenert in touch with the people and the stories that the other networks can’t.

News-6 is owned by Trans-GlobalMedia Enterprises Worldwide, Inc., a multi-billion dollar company that owns 607 stations across the U.S. The company was also ruled responsible last month for the chemical spill-related deaths of 80,000 workers at its plastics factory in Dharjahal, India.

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