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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Awesome T-Shirt Cannon Party Interrupted By Nashville Predators Game

NASHVILLE, TN—A rousing T-shirt cannon party at Nashville’s Bridgestone Arena was repeatedly marred by men coming out to play hockey Thursday, despite jeers and pleading from the crowd. "Everyone was excited to see free shirts fired into the stands by a 6-foot blue cat-man wielding a cannon, but they didn’t do that for more than a couple minutes at a time," said T-shirt fan Darren Chapman, adding that crowd members were turned away by security when they tried to follow the T-shirt squad into a tunnel. "If you have T-shirt cannons at a three-hour event, there should be three hours of T-shirt cannons. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they had been planning on playing that hockey in here all along." The arena’s public address announcer later declared there would be exciting "playoff" T-shirt cannon parties in the next few weeks, but sources said hockey-playing men are expected to ruin those too.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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