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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Awestruck Video-Game Fan Describes Brush With PlayStation 2

UPPER DARBY, PA–Trembling in an ecstatic, quasi-religious state of rapture, video-game enthusiast Josh Eigert, 23, spent nearly 40 minutes Monday describing his encounter with Sony's forthcoming PlayStation 2 game console. "I was over at the Video Game X-change yesterday, and Bob, the owner-guy, had one behind the counter that he picked up in Japan," Eigert told friend Rich Busse. "I begged him, and he hooked it up and let me play Tekken Tag for a few minutes. It was fucking unbelievable, like a movie." Eigert told Busse that the store owner also claimed to have a copy of Onimusha: The Demon Warrior but "refused to show it under any circumstances."

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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

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