After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Baby Can Already Tell Crib He’s In Going To Be Recalled

CRESTON, IA—Saying that he detected the "telltale signs" the first time he lay down in it, local infant Joshua Singer told reporters Friday that he can already tell his defective crib is going to be recalled. "Man, this one's a real piece of work; I can actually feel it moving from side to side while I’m in it," the 6-month-old said, pointing to several hazardous design flaws in his wooden cradle that he speculated would lead to its mass recall in the near future. "These railings are splintering on the edges and they're way too far apart—I can get out of this thing no problem. And I don't like that weird metallic smell one bit. That has to be toxic, right? Really, it's only a matter of time before we’re watching a news story about this make and model on CNN." At press time, Singer was idly gnawing on the thin strands of polyester filling protruding from his crib's mattress.

After Birth

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