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Tips

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Baby-Care Tips For First-Time Parents

Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:

Doctor, Mother, Baby


  • Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby
  • If your baby starts to choke, don't help; allowing the infant to cough up the blockage "all-by-myself" will help tremendously in the development of his or her self-esteem
  • Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use
  • Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"
  • Babies love to play; grasp baby by ankles and, with a quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor
  • Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply a hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side
  • Baby carriers are a needless expense; try a metal pail instead
  • Your newborn's tiny fingers and toes look so cute that you may want to just nibble them right off, but don't— fingers and toes do not grow back
  • When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box
  • Car safety is an important, all-too-often overlooked facet of infant care; when securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with a cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed
  • When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun "it"
  • Develop your baby's hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands in his or her face; in time, the child will learn to block them
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