Baby Knocked Out With Cough Syrup Praised For Being Such A Good Little Traveler

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Vol 48 Issue 48

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Baby Knocked Out With Cough Syrup Praised For Being Such A Good Little Traveler

NEWARK, NJ—Rendered unconscious by a powerful sleep-inducing cough suppressant, 8-month-old Emma Janofsky reportedly won praise from fellow airline passengers Sunday for being “such a good little traveler.” “Look at that, she’s not even stirring—what a perfect sleepy angel!” Deborah Lesser said of the nearly comatose Janofsky, whose pulse slowed dramatically as her internal organs struggled to process the potent cocktail of chemicals her parents had mixed into her applesauce. “I just can’t get over how precious and well behaved she is. You must be so proud.” Thanking Lesser, Janofsky’s mother then excused herself to carry her limp, drooling daughter to the lavatory to deal with the infant’s desperate attempt to expel the drug from her bowels.

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