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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Baby Knocked Out With Cough Syrup Praised For Being Such A Good Little Traveler

NEWARK, NJ—Rendered unconscious by a powerful sleep-inducing cough suppressant, 8-month-old Emma Janofsky reportedly won praise from fellow airline passengers Sunday for being “such a good little traveler.” “Look at that, she’s not even stirring—what a perfect sleepy angel!” Deborah Lesser said of the nearly comatose Janofsky, whose pulse slowed dramatically as her internal organs struggled to process the potent cocktail of chemicals her parents had mixed into her applesauce. “I just can’t get over how precious and well behaved she is. You must be so proud.” Thanking Lesser, Janofsky’s mother then excused herself to carry her limp, drooling daughter to the lavatory to deal with the infant’s desperate attempt to expel the drug from her bowels.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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