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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts From Which She Wakes Up Covered In Blood Won't Affect Ability To Lead

WOODBURY, MN—Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann fired back Wednesday at critics who have said the Minnesota congresswoman's ability to lead the nation would be greatly hindered by her frequent, hours-long blackouts from which she invariably awakens covered in blood. "This is a complete nonissue—who among us hasn't gotten the occasional blinding headache only to wake up totally nude two days later in an abandoned church, covered from head to toe in someone else's blood and with absolutely no recollection of what happened in the intervening time?" said Bachmann, later adding that she is otherwise healthy and, in fact, is fairly certain she gets a significant amount of aerobic exercise during her prolonged fugue states. "I think I can handle the job of running the country just fine even if now and again I have one of my little spells where I come to in the middle of the South Carolina woods tightly gripping a bloody lead pipe in one hand and a ragged piece of what I think was a scalp in the other." Many political analysts have expressed doubt regarding Bachmann's presidential chances, citing the 1988 loss of Michael Dukakis to George H.W. Bush after it was discovered the Massachusetts governor had cooked and eaten a border collie while sleepwalking.

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