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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts From Which She Wakes Up Covered In Blood Won't Affect Ability To Lead

WOODBURY, MN—Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann fired back Wednesday at critics who have said the Minnesota congresswoman's ability to lead the nation would be greatly hindered by her frequent, hours-long blackouts from which she invariably awakens covered in blood. "This is a complete nonissue—who among us hasn't gotten the occasional blinding headache only to wake up totally nude two days later in an abandoned church, covered from head to toe in someone else's blood and with absolutely no recollection of what happened in the intervening time?" said Bachmann, later adding that she is otherwise healthy and, in fact, is fairly certain she gets a significant amount of aerobic exercise during her prolonged fugue states. "I think I can handle the job of running the country just fine even if now and again I have one of my little spells where I come to in the middle of the South Carolina woods tightly gripping a bloody lead pipe in one hand and a ragged piece of what I think was a scalp in the other." Many political analysts have expressed doubt regarding Bachmann's presidential chances, citing the 1988 loss of Michael Dukakis to George H.W. Bush after it was discovered the Massachusetts governor had cooked and eaten a border collie while sleepwalking.

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