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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Back-To-School Cheating Tips

As another school year begins, students are getting ready to face a whole new round of tests and quizzes. Here are a few simple tips on how to ace your exams without studying.

  • For all essay tests on poetry, write the title of the poem followed by the words "is about man's relationship with nature."
  • If you're going to permanently tattoo answers onto your forearm, make sure it's for an exam in a subject you really love.
  • Have everyone take out their textbooks and cheat all at once. They can't fail the whole class.
  • When passing notes that have the answers to the test, be sure not to label the note "Test Answers."
  • If you are taking any classes on 1960s American culture, spend all your free time visiting your professor in office hours and asking him about the time he met Timothy Leary.
  • Some schools equip classrooms with hidden cameras to catch cheaters. A simple low-inductance capacitor bank discharged into a single-loop antenna can send out an electromagnetic pulse capable of disabling all cameras within a three-block radius.
  • It is notoriously difficult to cheat on most applied mathematics tests, so it is best to avoid taking these classes altogether.
  • No matter how small, crib notes can be conspicuous. Commit them to memory for an innovative, unencumbered cheating method.

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