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NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Back-To-School Cheating Tips

As another school year begins, students are getting ready to face a whole new round of tests and quizzes. Here are a few simple tips on how to ace your exams without studying.

  • For all essay tests on poetry, write the title of the poem followed by the words "is about man's relationship with nature."
  • If you're going to permanently tattoo answers onto your forearm, make sure it's for an exam in a subject you really love.
  • Have everyone take out their textbooks and cheat all at once. They can't fail the whole class.
  • When passing notes that have the answers to the test, be sure not to label the note "Test Answers."
  • If you are taking any classes on 1960s American culture, spend all your free time visiting your professor in office hours and asking him about the time he met Timothy Leary.
  • Some schools equip classrooms with hidden cameras to catch cheaters. A simple low-inductance capacitor bank discharged into a single-loop antenna can send out an electromagnetic pulse capable of disabling all cameras within a three-block radius.
  • It is notoriously difficult to cheat on most applied mathematics tests, so it is best to avoid taking these classes altogether.
  • No matter how small, crib notes can be conspicuous. Commit them to memory for an innovative, unencumbered cheating method.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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