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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Back-To-School Cheating Tips

As another school year begins, students are getting ready to face a whole new round of tests and quizzes. Here are a few simple tips on how to ace your exams without studying.

  • For all essay tests on poetry, write the title of the poem followed by the words "is about man's relationship with nature."
  • If you're going to permanently tattoo answers onto your forearm, make sure it's for an exam in a subject you really love.
  • Have everyone take out their textbooks and cheat all at once. They can't fail the whole class.
  • When passing notes that have the answers to the test, be sure not to label the note "Test Answers."
  • If you are taking any classes on 1960s American culture, spend all your free time visiting your professor in office hours and asking him about the time he met Timothy Leary.
  • Some schools equip classrooms with hidden cameras to catch cheaters. A simple low-inductance capacitor bank discharged into a single-loop antenna can send out an electromagnetic pulse capable of disabling all cameras within a three-block radius.
  • It is notoriously difficult to cheat on most applied mathematics tests, so it is best to avoid taking these classes altogether.
  • No matter how small, crib notes can be conspicuous. Commit them to memory for an innovative, unencumbered cheating method.

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