Backpack-Laden Student Trudges Slack-Jawed Past Wonders Of Ancient World

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Vol 35 Issue 20

Portrait Of Nude, Bleeding Man Hung On School Wall

BOISE, ID—As a reminder of God's abundant and undying love for them, a portrait of a nearly naked, bleeding man was hung in full view of students at St. Matthew's Catholic High School Tuesday. The image of the almost-nude, dripping man violently nailed to wooden planks, now on permanent display in the school's central hallway, "reminds us that God would do anything for his children," said Sister Mary Margaret, the school's math teacher. "It presents an uplifting message of love and salvation to inspire us all." Sister Mary went on to praise the craftsmanship of the piece, saying, "You can actually see his bulging eyeballs roll up into his head and the trickles of ooze running into the sockets. Amazing!"

Hypothetical Cat Simultaneously Dead And Alive, Physicists Say

SYRACUSE, NY—In a turn of events that has baffled students of quantum mechanics for more than half a century, a hypothetical cat was suspended in a state of unknowable probability flux between life and death Tuesday, after being placed in a box during a "thought experiment" in a Syracuse University lecture. Approx-imately 15 Physics 252 undergraduates blinked uncomprehendingly at high-energy physicist and instructor Chad Parks, 41, as he explained that the box contained a radioactive atom which may or may not decay, releasing an alpha particle which, if detected by a geiger-counter, may or may not trigger a hammer, shattering a flask of deadly prussic acid. The cat, originally postulated by wave-particle duality theorist Erwin Schroedinger in 1935, is expected to remain in this paradoxical superposition of decayed and undecayed states until an observer opens the box, collapsing the animal’s wave function.

Teen Publication Takes Bold Anti-Peer-Pressure Stance

ANAHEIM, CA—TeenPulse, a monthly publication targeted at 13- to- 17-year-olds nationwide, shocked industry insiders by espousing a courageous anti-peer-pressure position in its June issue. "Friends who try to pressure you into something you don't want to do are no friends at all," contributing editor Cassandra Walters urged a reader in her monthly advice column. "Say 'so long' and get yourself some new buds who like you just the way you are." Also featured in TeenPulse's June issue is a "Cool Summertime Looks You Can't Do Without" pull-out shopping guide.

Shit Parking Ticket Fuck

FUCKIN' DOWNTOWN—After stopping for like 10 goddamn minutes at the west-side post office, local resident Dave Shore got a motherfucking parking ticket in the amount of 35 fucking goddamn dollars Monday, fuck. Where were the goddamn cops when the dude stole the hubcaps off of Shore's light brown 1992 Escort last year, the 27-year-old line cook would reportedly like to fucking know. The ticket, which Shore will have to work five whole fucking hours at his shitty fucking job just to pay, was placed on his vehicle by the asshole fucking Nazi parking patrol shortly after noon. Jesus fuck.

You Want A Piece Of Me?

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I see you standing over there with the hungry look in your eye. Something bothering you? Something gnawing at your gut? Huh? You want a piece of me, is that it? You want a piece of me?

Vehicular Search And Seizure

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that police do not need a warrant to search or seize a vehicle in a public place. What do you think of the court's decision to expand police powers and limit the rights of criminal suspects?
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Backpack-Laden Student Trudges Slack-Jawed Past Wonders Of Ancient World

ATHENS, GREECE—Iowa State sophomore Dylan Schumacher trudged pathetically past some of the most wondrous achievements of ancient Mediterranean civilization Tuesday, all but unaware of the magnificent cultural splendor surrounding him on all sides.

Iowa State sophomore Dylan Schumacher near this one temple of some god.

"Greece is, like, so awesome," said the oblivious Schumacher, who is ironically considering a history major. "Last night me and a couple dudes from Florida that I met checked out this awesome discothéque, and I swear this one chick was totally giving me the eye."

Schumacher, looking laughably generic in Teva sandals, a pair of corduroy shorts from The Gap, and a matching North Face windbreaker and backpack, is spending his summer traveling through Greece, Italy and France as part of an effort on the part of his parents, Ames-area dentists Duane and Sheila Schumacher, to help the young student "broaden his mind." So far, reports indicate, he has visited several McDonald's restaurants in the downtown Athens area and has enjoyed many afternoons lounging by his hotel's pool.

Schumacher came within a few feet of the Roman Forum, built as an extension of the famed Agora by Julius Caesar and Augustus during the Pax Romana, passing through its main entrance, the relatively intact Gate of Athena Archegetis, while searching for a public restroom after consuming an extra-large café mocha at a nearby Starbucks. Later that day, reports indicate, he and some friends hiked up the footpath to the Acropolis, the heart of the first great city-state of Ancient Greece, a structure that has remained more or less intact for well over 2,000 years. There, he enjoyed several relaxing hours basking in the Mediterranean sunshine and listening to the CD Follow The Leader, the latest release by his favorite band Korn, which he purchased from a street vendor on the famous pedestrian walkway known as the Odhós Kidhathinéon using "real Greek money."

"It's so fascinating to be in a totally different culture," Schumacher said of his trip to the Acropolis. "I talked to this one guy, and, can you believe it? It turns out he never even heard of Korn."

"Yet, despite our different cultural backgrounds," he added, "we were still able to communicate, and he told me about this awesome sports bar downtown where they have this virtual-reality game. I can't wait to check that out."

While visiting the Acropolis, Schumacher purchased a pair of Oakley sunglasses at the Parthenon. The first great building created in Pericles' renovation of the ancient site in approximately 437 B.C., the Parthenon was designed by the architect Iktinos as part of a sanctuary for the cult of Athena, a fact Schumacher finds "kind of boring." At the Propylaia and Temple of Athena Nike—which feature some of the greatest works of the sculptor Pheidas—Schumacher bought some sunblocker and a T-shirt reading "Ouzo Power." He also purchased a hot dog within a few dozen feet of the Erechtheion.

"It was a pretty good hot dog," Schumacher said, "but I've got to admit it wasn't the same as you'd get in America. Oh, well. You win some, you lose some, but that's what the whole traveling-in-Europe thing is about: learning valuable lessons you can't experience anywhere else."

Schumacher, whose parents are providing him with several thousand dollars per week for the summer trip, reportedly plans to take in the nightlife of Rome next, a city he says is "bound to have a ton of killer bars." Before leaving Greece, however, he plans to spend "at least a couple of days" on the islands of the Aegean Sea, where he's heard that "they have these topless beaches where the chicks totally walk around with their tits showing."

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