adBlockCheck

Backpack Strategically Placed In Theft-Proof Corner Of Concert Hall Floor

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Backpack Strategically Placed In Theft-Proof Corner Of Concert Hall Floor

Careful up-against-wall positioning makes it hard for someone to even see the backpack, let alone suspect it contains valuables.
Careful up-against-wall positioning makes it hard for someone to even see the backpack, let alone suspect it contains valuables.

ATHENS, GA—Wishing to avoid the annoyance of wearing his backpack during a rock and roll show at the 40 Watt Club Friday, concertgoer Nick Hurley ingeniously placed the bag in the corner, thereby rendering his personal items completely inaccessible to any potential thieves.

The 26-year-old software developer told reporters that the corner—located to the left of the main stage in an area slightly darker than the rest of the room—would act as an inviolable barrier against any attempted theft while providing him with the peace of mind necessary to leave his backpack unattended for the duration of the concert.

"I'm so glad I thought to put it there," said Hurley, whose iPod, house keys, and new laptop computer were made utterly secure in the open floor space by simple virtue of his having chosen to place them there. "To the untrained eye, this corner might seem like any other right angle formed by two perpendicular walls, but I instantly recognized it as the impregnable fortress that it was."

"My backpack is partway under a chair," he added. "There is no way anything can ever happen to it."

After discovering the corner—a veritable Fort Knox of backpack safety—Hurley was freed from the 8-pound burden of his belongings, an encumbrance he said would have diminished his enjoyment of the Seattle-based indie-folk group Fleet Foxes. According to Hurley, placing his backpack between the club's entrance and the spot near the stage where he intended to stand during the show would even allow him to double-check the sophisticated bulwark of the corner's defenses should he need to go outside for a cigarette at any point.

"And to think how close I was to shelling out $2 for the coat check," said Hurley, chuckling.

Hurley reportedly has a preternatural knack for scouting out totally secure places for his valuables, most notably the glove box of his car, hooks on the doors of public toilet stalls, and anywhere there is a total stranger he can ask to keep an eye on something for a minute.

A concert attendee who wished to remain anonymous said he was immediately thwarted in his attempt to steal Hurley's backpack from its invulnerable stronghold and was instead forced to take a bag that had been foolishly placed in an adjacent corner of the club.

"At first, the brown Eastpak with the headphones dangling out of the side pocket looked like the perfect target, but as soon as I approached the corner, I knew it would be impossible to swipe," the source said. "What could I do? If he'd placed it along the wall 3 or 5 feet down, then I'd at least have had a chance. As things were, it might as well have been on top of Mount Everest."

"Even if by some miracle I could have gotten anywhere near it, [Hurley] almost certainly would have spotted me from his perfect vantage point across the room, though his sight line was often obscured by other concertgoers and he sometimes went 15 minutes without looking over in the direction of his bag," the source added.

At press time, Hurley had reportedly become so confident in the security of the corner that he allowed himself to become thoroughly intoxicated and consequently forgot to pick up his backpack when leaving the venue.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close