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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Backpacker Planning To Shatter Europeans' Preconceptions Of Americans

CHICAGO—Recent college graduate Tyler Hill announced Monday his plans to single-handedly shatter European ideas about American travelers during his upcoming three-week trip to France and Belgium. "I'm not one of those arrogant, Lonely Planet–toting backpackers who thinks he's entitled to everything and can't walk 10 feet without snapping photos of funny-looking street signs," said Hill, noting that he had already decided to eat at a café the Rough Guide To Paris warns is "a little off the beaten path, but popular with locals." "They're going to meet me and think, 'Wow, it really means a lot to me that he took the time to learn a couple of useful phrases in our language.'" Hill added that over the course of the trip, he hopes to meet some Europeans who aren't just a bunch of effeminate, chain-smoking elitists.

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