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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment

WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a single large jar of ointment, sources confirmed Tuesday. "We are committed to protecting the health of the American people, and while it's not a perfect solution, allowing citizens to scoop up fistfuls of ointment from a giant communal jar would at least guarantee a certain minimal level of care," said Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, stating that the 96,000-pound container of topical rub would be located in the middle of the country and that, in some cases, citizens might have to travel 1,300 miles to have access to the salve. "I will say there is only a limited amount of ointment, and those citizens who are gravely ill and lack medical insurance will get first dibs at the soothing unguent." At press time, top Republicans had already blasted the so-called “Ointmentcare” plan, arguing that the use of taxpayer funds to salve the careless and negligent violated the rights of those who had responsibly obtained their own private stashes of calamine lotion, Icy Hot, and Preparation H.

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