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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment

WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a single large jar of ointment, sources confirmed Tuesday. "We are committed to protecting the health of the American people, and while it's not a perfect solution, allowing citizens to scoop up fistfuls of ointment from a giant communal jar would at least guarantee a certain minimal level of care," said Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, stating that the 96,000-pound container of topical rub would be located in the middle of the country and that, in some cases, citizens might have to travel 1,300 miles to have access to the salve. "I will say there is only a limited amount of ointment, and those citizens who are gravely ill and lack medical insurance will get first dibs at the soothing unguent." At press time, top Republicans had already blasted the so-called “Ointmentcare” plan, arguing that the use of taxpayer funds to salve the careless and negligent violated the rights of those who had responsibly obtained their own private stashes of calamine lotion, Icy Hot, and Preparation H.

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