adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Backwoods Kenyan Just Watches Marathons For The Crashes

LODWAR VALLEY, KENYA—Kenyan Cletus Jerop-Ogechi, a currently unemployed welder and self-described "old school" marathon fan, confessed openly Tuesday to enjoying long-distance cross-country running solely for the crashes. "Kenyans is the best in the world at endurance runnin'—ask anyone—but distance runnin' ain't nothing without the occasional old-fashioned low-blood-sugar elbow-to-the-ribs wreck," Ogechi told Runner's World through a translator Tuesday. "You get six, eight, twelve guys in a pack peelin' off five-minute miles and rubbin' shoulders, somethin's got to give. Might as well enjoy it, am I right?" Ogechi's all-time favorite crash occurred during the 2002 Greater Hartford Marathon, in which winner Joseph Nderitu twice spun out Ethiopian entrant Kassahun Kabiso, causing him to limp home a distant second with badly damaged bodywork.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close