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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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'Bad To The Bone' To Be Used In Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an inspired act of film soundtracking, Paramount Pictures announced Tuesday that its forthcoming family comedy Twerps will feature the rock song "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood. "We feel the song will greatly enhance the scene in which the 12-year-old protagonist and his two pals go on a shopping spree and dress up as tough kids," said Paramount executive Edward Wohl. "As the children outfit themselves in leather, denim and sunglasses, the song's bluesy riffs and 'don't-mess-with-me' lyrics will provide the perfect musical accompaniment to the kids' get-tough makeover." Paramount also intends to use James Brown's "I Feel Good" for the film's closing-credits sequence, moments after the lead character defeats the neighborhood bully in a climactic roller-hockey match.

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