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Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

Even at Hour 36, Girard doesn't let his wounds stop him from finishing someone else's discarded Budweiser.
Even at Hour 36, Girard doesn't let his wounds stop him from finishing someone else's discarded Budweiser.

BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard announced his intentions to continue partying late Saturday evening, assuring onlookers that the multiple injuries he had sustained over the previous six hours did not require medical attention, and were not severe enough to prematurely end the festivities.

Despite the fact that Girard, who was attending a house party near the Louisiana State Univeristy campus, had twice fallen more than eight feet onto his shoulder while attempting to walk along the front-porch banister, the 24-year-old bookstore clerk appeared resolute in his commitment to continue consuming alcohol, singing, dancing, and hitting empty beer cans like baseballs with the tube of an old vacuum cleaner.

"Whoo! Party!" Girard said. "Someone get—turn on Rock Band. I'll be all like, 'Bwah. Bwah-bwah.'"

According to witnesses, the recent college graduate arrived at the party sometime during the mid-afternoon barbecue without any visible bruises, abrasions, or long scratch marks down the left side of his face. As the afternoon progressed, Girard enjoyed an estimated 12 Miller Lites before moving on to rum and Cokes, shots of tequila, boxed wine, and Miller Lite again. By 10:30 p.m., onlookers said, Girard had played more than a dozen games of beer pong and badly scraped the insides of both arms attempting to climb a nearby oak tree on what he misinterpreted as a dare.

"I really just wanted to keep my distance," said party attendee Eric McGill, 22, who added that he did not know how Girard had irritated his eye, but guessed it had something to do with an earlier incident involving a can of hairspray. "He was scaring the shit out of me. I have no idea how he managed that keg stand with his elbow bent back like that."

A number of acquaintances said they were unable to dissuade Girard from completing his partying agenda, which apparently included riding a mattress down a flight of stairs and "boxing" a number of lawn ornaments.

"I tried to tell him sprains don't heal themselves, but he kept calling me a pussy and telling me to chug," said Girard's roommate, 23-year-old Darren Iverson. "I wasn't even holding a beer at the time. I'm pretty sure he has a concussion."

Added Iverson, "And I know you can't use Jäger to clean a wound."

At several points throughout the evening, those in attendance assumed Girard had ceased partying and gone home. Though everyone thought Girard had left, a small group arriving at the party shortly after midnight discovered him lying behind a shrub in the front of the house. When they woke him, Girard reportedly jumped up "like a fucking leopard or something" and ran into the house. A few hours later, Girard was seen taking a bicycle from a neighbor's garage and pedaling down the street, yelling out that he was going to go for a swim and that his collarbone was fine.

"When he came back, his hair had some blood in it and there were grass stains all over his shirt," said Jenny Bergman, 21, who added that she did not realize the figure stumbling across the front lawn was Girard until she saw that he was drinking beer from a Crock Pot. "He was holding a license plate for some reason, which he threw onto the roof."

"I offered to bandage his arm but he said his biceps would just break it," Bergman continued.

This was reportedly not the first time Girard has persevered through significant obstacles. In May 2007, he overcame a dislocated shoulder to attend the minor-league baseball game he had spent the morning tailgating for; later that summer, Girard won a poker tournament even after burning his hands attempting to light shots of vodka on fire; and, on his 21st birthday, he partied all night despite having spinal meningitis.

Host Brian Warren, 23, finally asked Girard to leave and check in to the hospital at 4:15 a.m., just after Girard broke Warren's plastic lawn furniture attempting to climb onto the roof for the third time that evening.

"I need my license plate," Girard said. "Fucking."

Though Girard had not returned home as of press time, a limping hitchhiker fitting his description was recently seen across town wearing a shower curtain and asking for a ride "back to the party."

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