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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Bags Filled With Sand Still Most Advanced U.S. Anti-Flood Technology

WASHINGTON—Filling a large number of bags with sand and then placing them side by side next to a body of water remains the nation's most sophisticated method for flood prevention, a two-month FEMA study concluded Tuesday. According to FEMA's findings, floods—natural disasters that have occurred since the beginning of time yet still destroy hundreds of American homes each year—are most often combated by scooping clumps of sand into burlap sacks and binding them with pieces of twine. "Perhaps bigger bags are the answer," FEMA head R. David Paulison said. The second-most effective U.S. anti-flood technology remains getting in the car and driving to an area that is not currently being flooded.

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