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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Bags Filled With Sand Still Most Advanced U.S. Anti-Flood Technology

WASHINGTON—Filling a large number of bags with sand and then placing them side by side next to a body of water remains the nation's most sophisticated method for flood prevention, a two-month FEMA study concluded Tuesday. According to FEMA's findings, floods—natural disasters that have occurred since the beginning of time yet still destroy hundreds of American homes each year—are most often combated by scooping clumps of sand into burlap sacks and binding them with pieces of twine. "Perhaps bigger bags are the answer," FEMA head R. David Paulison said. The second-most effective U.S. anti-flood technology remains getting in the car and driving to an area that is not currently being flooded.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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