Baltimore Looking For Safer City To Host Super Bowl Parade

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Vol 49 Issue 06

Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one: Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed. If you forgot to buy her flowers, ...

Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance.

SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show

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Baltimore Looking For Safer City To Host Super Bowl Parade

UPDATE: Ravens Super Bowl Parade Marred By Floatjacking

BALTIMORE—Following the Ravens’ victory over the 49ers in Super Bowl XLVII, Baltimore officials confirmed Tuesday that they are currently seeking a safer, less crime-infested city to hold the team’s celebratory parade. “Though we are all excited about our Ravens bringing home the Lombardi Trophy, we must make the safety of parade attendees and the players our number-one priority—and that means keeping the celebration far away from Baltimore,” said mayor’s office spokeswoman Ganesha Martin, who noted that parade planners had proven unable to map out a suitable motorcade route within the city limits that wouldn’t lead the procession through urban neighborhoods notorious for poverty, drugs, and brutal gang violence. “We’ve been scouting out a number of cities in which fans can cheer on their victorious Ravens without putting themselves in immense danger, including Boston, New York, and Pittsburgh. Honestly, San Francisco is pretty high on our list right now, and doesn’t have nearly as many homicides.” City officials are reportedly resolved not to repeat the same mistake made in 2001, when the decision to hold the Super Bowl XXXV victory parade in Baltimore led to the near-fatal stabbing of Ravens head coach Brian Billick by a homeless crack addict 30 seconds into the ceremony.

UPDATE: RAVENS SUPER BOWL PARADE MARRED BY FLOATJACKING

Following Baltimore’s failure to secure funding to relocate the Super Bowl victory parade to a safer region, sources confirmed that the ongoing celebration has already been marred by a series of violent floatjackings perpetrated by the city’s extensive criminal population. Parade attendees said that multiple floats have been seized by packs of lawless hijackers, and many Ravens players have been robbed, viciously beaten, and, in some cases, kidnapped as their floats are driven away from the parade route. Onion Sports will continue to update this story as it develops.

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