adBlockCheck

Baltimore Named City With Best Quality Of Pigeon Life

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Baltimore Named City With Best Quality Of Pigeon Life

BALTIMORE—Noting key indicators such as safety, health, and climate, a new survey published Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal ranked Baltimore the number-one city in the U.S. for quality of pigeon life. “Baltimore came out ahead of pigeon-friendly cities like New York and Boston due to its ample nesting alcoves, the lack of bird-repellent spikes, and the accessibility of dropped French fries and corn dogs,” said the newspaper’s senior editor, Bethany Crandall, adding that pigeons in the mid-Atlantic metropolis enjoyed sprawling public parks and some of the lowest rates of toddler-chasings in the country. “Baltimore has a vibrant and diverse pigeon population, and there are lots of flock-friendly places to raise chicks. The number and variety of puddles is a major draw, and the awnings are world-class. It’s no wonder that more and more pigeons are choosing to make the city home.” The survey also found that Philadelphia was the best city for single pigeons.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close