adBlockCheck

Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Holidays

Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect

PINE BLUFF, AR—Pine Bluff Middle School band teacher Walter Moreland was "so clearly, obviously" gay in retrospect, former student Gary Dolan, 32, realized Monday.

A 1984 yearbook photo of Moreland.

"Me and a bunch of people at work were reminiscing about middle-school band class," Dolan said. "I was just about to say something about how my old teacher Mr. Moreland used to be obsessed with The Music Man when it suddenly hit me. How in the world could I have not seen that he was gay? I mean, he was so gay."

Though the unmarried, childless Moreland never discussed his romantic life, Dolan is "99.999 percent sure" he was homosexual.

"I figured he acted flamboyant because he was artistic," said Dolan, who attended the middle school from 1982 to 1985. "Mr. Moreland played, like, 20 instruments. He had this little Lhasa Apso named Trixie that he'd bring to class sometimes. And he'd tell us about taking tropical vacations and driving to Little Rock to see art exhibits and musicals. Basically, he did all this stuff that no one else in town ever did."

Added Dolan: "I knew he was different, but as a 12-year-old, my understanding of gay culture was limited to Three's Company. I had no idea they actually walked among us in Pine Bluff."

Ever since coming to the realization, Dolan has remembered more details about Moreland that seem to affirm his gayness. Among them are the sack lunches of yogurt and carrots he ate on field trips, his excessive attention to detail when ordering new band uniforms, and his elaborate decorations for the holiday concerts.

Dolan said he also remembers the effeminate way Moreland kept his classes under control.

"Mr. Moreland was a fun teacher, but he could be moody," Dolan said. "If we were talking during class, he would yell, 'People!' and bang his conducting wand. If he got really mad, he'd stomp into his office and slam the door, leaving us all sitting there, holding our instruments. Basically, he'd throw a hissy fit."

"Thinking back, he even looked gay," Dolan continued. "His hair was always perfect and he had a well-trimmed little mustache. He dressed better than any of the other teachers, in these crisp button-down shirts and nice shoes and..."

"Oh my God," said Dolan, interrupting himself. "I just remembered. On concert days, he wore an ascot. An ascot. How clueless was I?"

On a spring day in 1984, Dolan got a glimpse of his teacher's secret life when he was given a ride home by Moreland in his immaculately clean teal-blue Plymouth Reliant. Dolan recalled noticing the Broadway cast recording of Godspell in the car's cassette deck and two scented candles laying on the Navajo-blanket-covered back seat.

Another time, while at the grocery store with his mother, Dolan spotted Moreland with another man.

"It never occurred to me that the guy might be Moreland's lover, even though they were standing there picking out vegetables together," Dolan said. "I remember thinking, 'That guy acts like Mr. Moreland. He must be a band teacher from another town.'"

Though Dolan recalled hearing jokes about Moreland's homosexuality back then, he said they were indistinguishable from the deluge of similar accusations levied at every male in school.

"Back when we were kids, we called everybody—and everything—'gay,'" Dolan said. "It didn't occur to me that Mr. Moreland actually was gay."

While the children in Moreland's class were oblivious to his sexuality, Dolan said his fellow teachers must have known the truth.

"I just hope the other teachers weren't dicks to him about it," Dolan said. "I don't think he hung out with any of his colleagues much, except for Mrs. Pickens, the art teacher, and occasionally Ms. Sarnofski, the gym teacher. Holy shit—Ms. Sarnofski."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close